When John went to a supermarket

Status
Not open for further replies.

Bassim

VIP Member
Joined
Mar 1, 2008
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Bosnian
Home Country
Bosnia Herzegovina
Current Location
Sweden
Would you please take a look at my sentences and correct my grammar and punctuation mistakes?

When John went to a supermarket, there were already dozens of people in a queue, young fat mothers with crying babies, teenegers with piercing and tatoos all over their bodies, excited chatty girls, noisy boys, middle-aged men with long beards and ponytails, and middle-aged women who dressed as if they still were teenagers. Everyone was eager to see a rock-star who had decided to spend a day working as a shop assistant.
 

Barb_D

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Mar 12, 2007
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Probably "the" rock star, because I would guess you have already said who it will be.

The tone is quite judgmental.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Say:

teenagers with piercings and tattoos all over their bodies
 

emsr2d2

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
British English
Home Country
UK
Current Location
UK
I would use not only "the rock star" but "the supermarket" and "the queue" - it's clearly a specific supermarket being referred to and the queue is the queue specific to this rather bizarre event.
I'd probably also say "When John got to the supermarket" or "When John arrived at the supermarket", not "When John went ...".
 

tedmc

VIP Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
Chinese
Home Country
Malaysia
Current Location
Malaysia
Wouldn't it be better to use a colon instead of a comma after "dozens of people in a queue" since it is followed by a list of the people?
 

GoesStation

No Longer With Us (RIP)
Joined
Dec 22, 2015
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Wouldn't it be better to use a colon instead of a comma after "dozens of people in a queue" since it is followed by a list of the people?

Yes. And OP should note the correct spelling of teenagers and tattoos.
 

emsr2d2

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
British English
Home Country
UK
Current Location
UK
I'd use either a colon or a dash.

... there were already dozens of people in the queue: young mothers, middle-aged men ...
... there were already dozens of people in the queue - young mothers, middle-aged men ...
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
First sentence. Say:

When John arrived at the supermarket, there were already dozens of people in the queue: young fat mothers with crying babies, teenagers with piercings and tattoos all over their bodies, excited chatty girls, noisy boys, middle-aged men with long beards and ponytails, and middle-aged women who had dressed as if they were still teenagers.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Second sentence. Say:

Everyone was eager to see the rock star who who had decided to spend the day working as a shop assistant.
 

emsr2d2

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
British English
Home Country
UK
Current Location
UK
Unlike Tarheel, I wouldn't say "women who had dressed as if they were still teenagers". I'd use either "women who were dressed as if" or simply "women dressed as if".
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top