huynguyen158
Member
- Joined
- Mar 10, 2016
- Member Type
- Student or Learner
- Native Language
- Vietnamese
- Home Country
- Vietnam
- Current Location
- Vietnam
I've just written an essay about the changes of a hospital during a 1960-2000 period.
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Thediagrams below show the changes that have taken place at Queen Mary Hospitalsince its construction in 1960.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features,and make comparisons where relevant.
Write atleast 150 words.
Here are my essay with remarks from my teacher.:-?
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The maps illustrate how the Queen Mary hospital develops from 1960 to 2000.
Overall, the scale of the hospital was expanded to meet demands of patients, providing more medical services while cutting out the areas for shopping and farming.
From 1960 to 1980, the shopping center located on the left of the hospital that faces onto the main road was converted into a cancer center and a pharmacy (-> The subordinate Clause is lengthy and hard to understand). Behind the site where the shopping center used to be (-> the same mistake), the farmland was replaced by a nursing school in 1980. In 2000, for the needs of cancer researching and treatment, they expanded the cancer center’s area to 3 times, cover over the entire area (->using "that minimized the acreage of the nursing school" instead )that was used for building the nursing school in 1980.
The car park behind the hospital still remained its size during the 1960-1980 period. In 2000, a half of the car park’s area was turned into a (-> was used for the)nursing school.
Could anyone please check and give me some advice about my essay and my teacher's remarks? I don't totally know how to improve this essay. Thank you very much!
--------------------------------------------------------
Thediagrams below show the changes that have taken place at Queen Mary Hospitalsince its construction in 1960.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features,and make comparisons where relevant.
Write atleast 150 words.
Here are my essay with remarks from my teacher.:-?
--------------------------------------------------------
The maps illustrate how the Queen Mary hospital develops from 1960 to 2000.
Overall, the scale of the hospital was expanded to meet demands of patients, providing more medical services while cutting out the areas for shopping and farming.
From 1960 to 1980, the shopping center located on the left of the hospital that faces onto the main road was converted into a cancer center and a pharmacy (-> The subordinate Clause is lengthy and hard to understand). Behind the site where the shopping center used to be (-> the same mistake), the farmland was replaced by a nursing school in 1980. In 2000, for the needs of cancer researching and treatment, they expanded the cancer center’s area to 3 times, cover over the entire area (->using "that minimized the acreage of the nursing school" instead )that was used for building the nursing school in 1980.
The car park behind the hospital still remained its size during the 1960-1980 period. In 2000, a half of the car park’s area was turned into a (-> was used for the)nursing school.
Could anyone please check and give me some advice about my essay and my teacher's remarks? I don't totally know how to improve this essay. Thank you very much!