Statement of Purpose writing

[jmb95]

I'm applying for an internship to study a master's in a U.S. university to specialize in graphics programming and simulation.


I'm from Spain, and they rate the SoP from 1 to 8. If I don't get 8 points I get disqualified because of the competitivity and low total number of granted internships.


I will share this statement with my professors too but I would really appreciate some help online. What do you think about my writing skills? Please have a look and tell me if it is boring, or if you honestly like it. The maximum length is 3 pages, so If you find any useless and generic area I will delete it. All criticism is welcomed.


I've already been told that my Universities section is weak, that I need to say something special about each one. What do you think about that?


Btw, the link in the document is not available yet.
Thanks in advance.

 

[emsr2d2]

You can post short excerpts from your statement of purpose in this section and we can look at them. Don't post more than one paragraph at a time and wait for responses before posting the next excerpt.

 

[jmb95]

I would like to start with your opinion about the first paragraph:

Although I hadn't the technical knowledge to make a professional video game, I certainly had​

enough creativity and enthusiasm, as I often made wizardry with the Office suite installed in​

my father's old Windows 95. I managed to create kind of a 2D role play game by coloring cells​

in an excel document and moving across the map with the keyboard arrows. I even​

represented characters and dialogues with the comment annotation Excel functionality, which​

popped up some text when placing the mouse over the character’s cell.​

 

[jmb95]

Would you have a look at ... for the introduction part I [STRIKE]'ve shown[/STRIKE] included in the previous post? Which one do you prefer?.

 

[teechar]

Please do not post external links to your text. Just write the text in the actual post.

 

[teechar]

Although I hadn't the technical knowledge to make a professional video game, I certainly had enough [STRIKE]creativity[/STRIKE] imagination and enthusiasm [STRIKE], as I often made wizardry[/STRIKE] to be creative with the Office suite installed in my father's old Windows 95 computer. I managed to create a kind of a 2D role-playing game by coloring cells in an Excel [STRIKE]document[/STRIKE] spreadsheet and moving across the map with the keyboard arrows. I even represented characters and dialogues with the comment annotation facility in Excel, [STRIKE]functionality,[/STRIKE] which popped up some text when the mouse was placed [STRIKE]ing the mouse[/STRIKE] over the character's cell.

.