Statement of Purpose writing

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jmb95

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I'm applying for an internship to study a master's in a U.S. university to specialize in graphics programming and simulation.


I'm from Spain, and they rate the SoP from 1 to 8. If I don't get 8 points I get disqualified because of the competitivity and low total number of granted internships.


I will share this statement with my professors too but I would really appreciate some help online. What do you think about my writing skills? Please have a look and tell me if it is boring, or if you honestly like it. The maximum length is 3 pages, so If you find any useless and generic area I will delete it. All criticism is welcomed.


I've already been told that my Universities section is weak, that I need to say something special about each one. What do you think about that?


Btw, the link in the document is not available yet.
Thanks in advance.
 

emsr2d2

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You can post short excerpts from your statement of purpose in this section and we can look at them. Don't post more than one paragraph at a time and wait for responses before posting the next excerpt.
 

jmb95

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I would like to start with your opinion about the first paragraph:
Although I hadn't the technical knowledge to make a professional video game, I certainly had​
enough creativity and enthusiasm, as I often made wizardry with the Office suite installed in​
my father's old Windows 95. I managed to create kind of a 2D role play game by coloring cells​
in an excel document and moving across the map with the keyboard arrows. I even​
represented characters and dialogues with the comment annotation Excel functionality, which​
popped up some text when placing the mouse over the character’s cell.​
 

jmb95

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Would you have a look at ... for the introduction part I [STRIKE]'ve shown[/STRIKE] included in the previous post? Which one do you prefer?.

 
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teechar

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Please do not post external links to your text. Just write the text in the actual post.
 

teechar

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Although I hadn't the technical knowledge to make a professional video game, I certainly had enough [STRIKE]creativity[/STRIKE] imagination and enthusiasm [STRIKE], as I often made wizardry[/STRIKE] to be creative with the Office suite installed in my father's old Windows 95 computer. I managed to create a kind of a 2D role-playing game by coloring cells in an Excel [STRIKE]document[/STRIKE] spreadsheet and moving across the map with the keyboard arrows. I even represented characters and dialogues with the comment annotation facility in Excel, [STRIKE]functionality,[/STRIKE] which popped up some text when the mouse was placed [STRIKE]ing the mouse[/STRIKE] over the character's cell.
.
 
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