Kids and Business

[Erbab]

Hello everyone!

I am trying to improve my writing skills. I am not expecting you to proofread this text fully. If you may tell me about problematic parts and give me some little clues, I can try to re-write them.
It is the third paragraph of one of my essays.

"However, taking part in a paid work has not essentially positive effects on a kid. Because in many case, people use children for their own profits by forcing them to complete a given task, which is called child abuse. In this regard, serious actions must be taken to protect children’s rights. Governments have to punish those severely who are making use of kids and take proactive measures. In conclusion, It may not be a great seperation about which idea represents the reality since it is a matter of situation. However, it is very clear that children are highly likely to be abused and governments and societies have to take effective measures to save their future. "

 

[emsr2d2]

Hello everyone!

I am trying to improve my writing skills. I am not expecting you to proofread this text fully. If you [STRIKE]may[/STRIKE] [could/would] [STRIKE]tell me about[/STRIKE] point out the problematic parts and give me some little clues, I can try to re-write them.
It is the third paragraph of one of my essays.

"However, taking part in [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] (no article here) paid work [STRIKE]has[/STRIKE] does not have [STRIKE]essentially[/STRIKE] positive effects on a kid.

This is because in many cases, people use children for their own [STRIKE]profits[/STRIKE] ends/benefit by forcing them to complete a given task, which is called child abuse. The underlined part is misleading. It suggests that the given task is child abuse.

In this regard, serious [STRIKE]actions[/STRIKE] action must be taken to protect children’s rights. We normally use the uncountable "action" here, even if more than one action is taken.

Governments have to severely punish those [STRIKE]severely[/STRIKE] who are making use of kids, and [have to] take proactive measures.

In conclusion, it may not be a great separation about which idea represents the reality since it is a matter of situation. The whole underlined part needs rewriting as it doesn't make sense.

However, it is very clear that children are highly likely to be abused and governments and societies have to take effective measures to [STRIKE]save[/STRIKE] protect [STRIKE]their[/STRIKE] those children's future. "

See above. Corrections are in red. Comments are in blue.

 

[Erbab]

"However, taking part in paid work does not have positive effects on a kid.
This is because in many cases, people use children for their own ends/benefit by forcing them to complete a given task. This illegal use of children is called child abuse and it, of course, influences their life adversely. In this regard, serious action must be taken to protect children’s rights. Governments have to severely punish those who are making use of kids, and [have to] take proactive measures.

In conclusion, kids had better participate in paid work which will help them gain essential skills for their future life. However, it is very clear that children are highly likely to be abused and governments and societies have to take effective measures to protect those children's future. "

I have edited the text thanks to your help. However, I should point out that the firts sentence does not support my second paragraph. Because in second paragraph, I have mentioned that in some cases, children can be involved in paid work and it may effect their future positively. So, It is probably better to paraphrase the first sentence of the third paragraph like this;

"However, taking part in paid work may also have some negative effects on a kid."

 

[Tarheel]

It seems that you can't decide if getting paid to work is good or bad.

Is giving somebody a task and requiring that they finish that task a bad thing?

 

[Erbab]

Is "using a child for your own benefit by forcing him/her to complete a given task" not a bad thing?

In my opinion, a teacher can give a task to a child to complete it. In this case, the teacher does not try to use the child. He is trying to make sure that his pupil is capable enough to handle it. Okay, it is obligatory, but it is for the child's benefit.

Actually, my essay has 4 paragraphs. I have proposed that children can participate in paid work if it will help them become a better person at the second paragraph.

 

[emsr2d2]

It all depends on the task in question.

 

[Erbab]

Then I had better remove this part "by forcing him/her to complete a given task", because I could not paraphrase it. By this way, I can eliminate the ambiguity.

 

[Tarheel]

I would not say a child (or anybody else) participates in paid work. Instead, they either get paid or they do not.

 

[tedmc]

I have proposed that children can participate in paid work if it will help them become a better person at the second paragraph

I would say "be allowed to participate"