[Essay] As child obesity becomes a serious health issue

umnperera

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PLEASE LET ME KNOW THE BAND SCORE FOR THIS ESSAY


As child obesity becomes a serious health issue in today’s society, some people feel that TV commercials advertising junk food aimed at kids should not be shown before 9pm.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

These days many people used to talk about child obsesity, that has progressively increased from last five years which impacts the cause for these health issues are basically food related TV commercials aimed at kids. In this essay, i will discuss about the issues to give my opinion.

Nowadays, our children spent more time on listening and watching TV series, and more on TV commercials related to varieties of foods. This has become a majority of children to be adicted to the types of food unknowingly by their parents. It is true, that not all food related advertisements does such bad habits to grow in our children but the consequences are such they become unhealthy on taking these foods into use. Many experts say that child obesity has occured as a result of these unmanageable TV commercials, which they mean to say these health loopholes could be avoided by timely managed TV commercials. For example, if these commercials were brought to be telecasted at random intervals after 9pm, in which most children use to goto sleep, so that is unattended to their views.

We should accept that, many TV commercials related to foods are not intensionally effect the food style of children, but they are abide to prevent non-branded products from been advertising, that eventually cause issues or unwanted obesity in children. Therefore, as a main role and care of children, parents should follow proper guidance on children to tell them about the negative and positive consequences.

Finally, in my opinion i beleive TV commercials are paid for advertisers, and broadcasters has certain rules and regulations within agreed portion and that doesn't make positivity though advertisement should be show after 9pm but certain velocity of freedom should be limited to children to watch programms that suites to their ages.
 
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emsr2d2

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Umnperera, this is the third or fourth post we have moved from "Ask A Teacher" to "Editing and Writing Topics". Please note that if you are going to post whole essays or other long pieces for checking, you need to post them in the "Editing and Writing Topics" section.
 

Tdol

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PLEASE LET ME KNOW THE BAND SCORE FOR THIS ESSAY

It's probably band 3. There are a lot of basic mistakes, so it would be hard to go as high as band 4.

From sentence 1:
These days many people used to talk- used to with present time
obsesity, that has- wrong relative pronoun (and spelling)
increased from last five years- wrong preposition for time phrase
which impacts the cause for these health issues are basically food related TV commercials aimed at kids- hard to get the meaning- which doesn't connect to first part of the sentence (or the second)

I don't know what grade you hope to achieve, but I'm afraid that I honestly think you are not ready for this exam, at least not the writing part.
 
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