[Essay] Experience that changed your life

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Frenk969

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Hi everybody! I'd like some of you to have a look and give me some feedback! Thx

Describe an experience that changed your life forever and how it changed your outlook on life for the better.


My Grandfather's Passing Away

A passing way is always something difficult to deal with, no matter who the person was. There is not a unique way to elaborate the loss of one of your relatives, and the way it affects you is utterly different from person to person. Personally speaking, my grandfather's death has dug up a deep hole in my heart; on the other hand, it has helped me grow, maturate and change my approach to a large number of things, resulting in the raising of boldness, prefixed standards and bias for efforts.

After being deeply moved by that loss, firstly I felt as though I HAD BEEN lost, since I disappointed the person I cared the most before dying. I blamed it on myself for years but what did change downright was my outlook on things: abruptly, I desired to pay the debt I had with my granddad off. The disappointment to which I refer is the abandon of school courses, thing for which I felt deeply ashamed. As a matter of fact, I began to focus on how I could make him proud of me again, honor his name. All this afterthoughts led me to the mounting boldness I still do have, which has revealed to be vital in my studies.

I literally abused of this thirst for knowledge and power as well in such a way as to increase my results, both at school and outside, meant as individual growth. I have to confess to having been felt quite angered by what happed to me and the disappointment I caused him. However, all this frustration applied in studies has been resulting in brilliant outcomes. Nevertheless, the more I let this new mindset 'embrace' me, the more ambitious I become.

Not only what basically was an unmitigated disaster did end up having positive effects on me, but it has also changed my attitude to the world. Despite the fact that it does seem blatantly obvious to be influenced for a very long time by such an abysmal event - As above-mentioned I was aghast at his disappearance - it goes without saying you grow up far quicker. On the downside, certainly there is the great deal of responsibilities - some unbearable - you are asked to face.
 

emsr2d2

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What are you going to do with your essay once it's been corrected?

(By the way, "Thx" does not exist. Please don't use chatlish/textspeak on the forum. The word is "Thanks".)
 
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Frenk969

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Once it's been corrected, I'd write the mistakes I made down in order to keep enhancing my English, since I've been studying for Cae and have been doing on my own. Therefore, some feedback would be absolutely vital.
 

teechar

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Hi everybody! I'd like some of you to have a look and give me some feedback! Thanks.

Describe an experience that changed your life forever and how it changed your outlook on life for the better.


My Grandfather's Passing Away

[STRIKE]A passing way[/STRIKE] Death/The loss of someone (close) is always something difficult to deal with, no matter who the person was. [STRIKE]There is not a unique way to elaborate the loss of one of your relatives, and[/STRIKE] The way it [STRIKE]affects you is utterly[/STRIKE] impacts people can be different from person to person. Personally speaking, my grandfather's death [STRIKE]has[/STRIKE] dug up a deep hole in my heart, [STRIKE]on the other hand,[/STRIKE] but it has also helped me grow, mature [STRIKE]ate[/STRIKE] and change my approach to a large number of things, resulting in the raising of boldness, prefixed standards and bias for efforts.
I do not understand the highlighted text and, in fact, much of what follows is difficult to understand too! I strongly suggest you rewrite the entire text in a clear, concise and simple manner.
Do that, post it below, and we'll be glad to help.
 
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Frenk969

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My Grandfather's Passing Away


The death of someone close is always something difficult to deal with, whoever the person is. The way it affects you varies from person to person. Personally speaking, my grandfather’s ‘disappearance’ dug up a deep hole in my heart. However, pain deriving from a loss is not always deleterious: in my case, it helped me grow mature as well as changing my attitude to such an incredible variety of things such as school, eventuating in bias for studies and better marks altogether.

However, before being influenced by such an appalling fact, I was a completely different person and never would I have imagined he would die at 69 years old. As He had surgery, nobody would expect him to suffer from cancer again. Despite this, when we discovered he was worsening again, since he was more than a grandfather to me – according to how he behaved, I would say he was a father -I decided to leave school and spend my time with him. Then, when passing away, he got me to promise I would return back to school and would become a well-educated person. From his disappearance on, what I started to blame on myself was the disappointment I caused him.
Anyway, a couple of months later, I decided It was time I went back to school and prove him right. Going through (experiencing?) all that grief changed me: if I hadn’t been for that unfortunate event, I would not have found out my thirst for knowledge. Nevertheless, spiritually speaking, I still felt deeply shocked. Not only was I always furious with everybody for no reason, but I was also loath to accept he was not there to support me anymore. Over the years, I realised that behaviour was part of a crisis process at which end I learned two things: the first and the foremost is how much He did care about me. The second one is that independently from what occurs, he will always stand by me. Eventually, I therefore decided to dignify his name by achieving – or at least trying to achieve – great results.

In conclusion, not only what basically was an unmitigated disaster did result in having positive effects on me, but it has also changed my attitude to the world – I can say that now. Despite the fact that it does seem blatantly obvious to get influenced by such an abysmal event - As above-mentioned I was aghast at his disappearance - it goes without saying you grow up far quicker, and above all, is an inevitable part of our lives.
 
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Frenk969

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Do you think it's written coherently? I'd like to know, If you don't mind, what grade you would give to this essay. I've been studying for Cae exam and I would really appreciate some feedback, since after having done First exam, the assessment of my writing was the worst on 5 skills. ( good enough, though).
 

teechar

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eventuating in bias for studies and better marks altogether.
Did you get that from an automatic translator (e.g. Google Translate)?
 
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Frenk969

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No, I looked bias on wordrerefence and then on lingohelp looked for the preposition, which mainly were for and against. (I wrote bias instead of aptitude, but they do share the same prepositions, at least according to lingohelp)

Wth reference to eventuate in, on my dictionary, it's sais it means "result in". Is it right?
 

teechar

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No, I looked up "bias" on wordrerefence and then on lingohelp looked for the preposition, which mainly were "for" and "against." I [STRIKE]wrote[/STRIKE] used "bias" instead of "aptitude", but they do [STRIKE]share[/STRIKE] take the same prepositions, at least according to lingohelp.

With reference to "eventuate in", [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] my dictionary [STRIKE], it's[/STRIKE] says it means "result in". Is [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] that right?
The problem (and it's a very serious one for a language learner) is that you've ended up with an almost unintelligible, and certainly unnatural, piece of text! All those words are inappropriate for that context.

Instead of "bias for", I think you meant, for example, "increased/greater interest in". I presume you meant to write, for example,
However, that experience has also helped me grow, mature and change my attitude to several things, including school. I've since become more interested in my studies and have consistently received better marks than before.

My advice to you is to get more exposure to natural English (see below) and to concentrate your efforts on doing exercises directly related to the CAE exam.

Here are some useful links:
[Reading]
http://learnenglishteens.britishcouncil.org/magazine


[Listening]
http://www.esl-lab.com/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/learningenglish/english/features/the-english-we-speak

http://www.bbc.co.uk/learningenglish/english/features/6-minute-english

http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/081222_download.shtml

http://www.npr.org/transcripts/help_whichprograms.html
 
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