Help me to correct this essay please

[worledit]

Your class has listened to a radio discussion on how more young people can be encouraged to study science. You have made the notes below:

-Advertising
-School programmes
-Government grants

Write an essay (between 220 and 260 words)discussing two of the points in your notes.You Should explain wich way would be more effective in encouraging young people to study science, providing reasons to support your opinion.


It is often said that football player is what kids dream to be when they grow up. It is very likely, as well, that children choose professions such as astronaut, firefighter, policeman, etcetera. And between those jobs with lower interest levels, a minimum percentage of kids choose to be scientific.Why and how we can help it?

On the one hand, with regard to Social Media, they do not contribute at all. It is weird to turn on the TV and see documentaries about Science. Instead, it would be found some program about actors and musicians where people argue about who cheated on who. It is necessary to take into account the importance of aware our sons about how useful the Science is for our environment. To solve It, It may be interesting to develop a children program making it easier for the kids to understand and value.
On the other hand, something similar happens with the school programmes, the Science appears in a derisory sum. Besides, the fact that It is explained in a difficult language makes it even harder for the kids to get a grasp of it. It should be taught in a vocabulary easier to understand, making lessons funnier and more interesting.

Let me conclude by saying that we have evolved to what we are now thank you to the Science. Imagine the world without medicines, discoveries, doctors... As you can guess scientific are really necessary for our daily lives, so It is high time you did something.

 

[emsr2d2]

We don't help with homework or assignments. The work you submit to your teacher/tutor must be your own work, done with no outside help. Good luck with your essay. When you receive your marked essay back, come back to us if there are any corrections or comments from your teacher that you don't understand.

Thread closed.

 

[emsr2d2]

The OP has reported my reply, saying that his/her teacher said the essay was perfect, with no mistakes. Either that claim is untrue or the OP needs to find a new teacher.

I am reopening this thread for now for further comments.

 

[Tdol]

It doesn't actually discuss two of the points. The paragraph about social media and documentaries is not dealing with advertising. There are quite a few language mistakes. I find it hard to agree with the teacher.

 

[emsr2d2]

Worledit, I reopened this thread so that you could respond. There was no need to report my second post with your comments. Please repost what you wrote when you reported it so that everyone knows what happened with the essay.

 

[worledit]

Thank you emsr2d2, nice name by the way. What I meant to say before is that my essay had been corrected by my teacher. I've just posted it without my original mistakes to see if there is anything else wrong that my teacher missed. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

 

[Tdol]

I'll start:

It is often said that football player is what kids dream to be when they grow up.

I would change the word of of this and change what follows the verb:

It is often said that kids dream of becoming football players when they grow up.

 

[charliedeut]

Your class has listened to a radio discussion on how more young people can be encouraged to study science. You have made the notes below:

-Advertising
-School programmes
-Government grants

Write an essay (between 220 and 260 words)discussing two of the points in your notes.You Should explain wich way would be more effective in encouraging young people to study science, providing reasons to support your opinion.


It is often said that football kids dream of becoming football players [STRIKE]player is what kids dream to be[/STRIKE] when they grow up. It is very likely, as well, that children will choose professions such as astronaut, firefighter, policeman, etcetera. And between those jobs with lower interest levels, a minimum percentage of kids will choose to be [STRIKE]scientific[/STRIKE] scientists.Why and how we can help it?

On the one hand, with regard to Social Media, they do not contribute at all. It is [STRIKE]weird [/STRIKE] strange/uncommon to turn on the TV and see documentaries about Science. Instead, it would easier/more common to find [STRIKE]be found[/STRIKE] some program about actors and musicians where people argue about who cheated on who. It is necessary to take into account the [STRIKE]importance of aware[/STRIKE] degree of awareness of our sons about how useful the Science is for our environment. To solve it, it may be interesting to develop a children program making it easier for the kids to understand and value science/scientific knowledge.
On the other hand, something similar happens with the school [STRIKE]programmes[/STRIKE] curriculums, [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE] where science scarcely appears [STRIKE]in a derisory sum[/STRIKE]. Besides, the fact that it is explained in a difficult language makes it even harder for the kids to get a grasp of it. It should be taught in a vocabulary easier to understand, making lessons funnier and more interesting.

Let me conclude by saying that we have evolved to what we are now thanks [STRIKE]you [/STRIKE] to science. Imagine the world without medicines, discoveries, doctors... As you can guess, [STRIKE]scientific[/STRIKE] scientists are really necessary for our daily lives, so it is high time you did something.

See my amendments above. Probably a native speaker of English will be able to find better options for some of them.
As a native speaker of Spanish (and sometimes English teacher), I can understand some of your mistakes. Others are, in my opinion, simply the result of not using a dictionary.