How to make my paper "less narrative"

[Patrik Hlavenka]

Hello, I'm from the Czech Republic, currently studying English at the college. I'm writing my bachelor thesis about house music and my teacher told me that it should be "less narrative and more academic". I would like to change and reformulate some sentences to make it more like it should be but I don't know where to start. Could you please take a look at the part of the paper I've written so far and give me some advice and examples? Thank you!
You can find it here: http://www21.zippyshare.com/v/fVFsfuIr/file.html

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[Tdol]

I would suggest copying and pasting the text up here as most people won't open attachments for security reasons. (If you right-click and choose post as plain text, it will remove any issues with formatting.)

 

[bubbha]

Is this the text of your Bachelor's thesis?

In it, you wrote: "I decided to pick to write about house music as a topic for my bachelor thesis..."

When writing an essay, it is considered bad form to self-reference the essay. So I would not recommend writing things like "In this essay..." or "The topic of this essay..." etc. Also, in academic papers, many professors frown on using the first person (i.e. using "I", "me" or "my").

Check with your professor to see what is acceptable in his/her eyes.