If I won the lottery

Nordre

Member
Joined
Sep 21, 2016
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Turkish
Home Country
Turkey
Current Location
Turkey
Dear teachers,

Can you check this:

"If I won the lottery, I would give scholarships to 5 university students. Then I would love to open a café near the university in my home town. I would like these students to work this café part time. I think, if they work such a job, there they improve their communication skills, gain a social network and learn business life in university before they get a real job.

I would assemble monthly meetings of the café, and in our meetings, young scholars could come up with some innovative ideas and suggestions. I am sure, they would know trends in younger generation, especially in university students and their mind must be more fresh than experienced managers. If the café became a successful place, the students could have psychological fulfilment and they would become more confident in their life."

Thank you.
 

emsr2d2

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
British English
Home Country
UK
Current Location
UK
Dear teachers,

Can you check this:

"If I won the lottery, I would give scholarships to [STRIKE]5[/STRIKE] five university students. Then I would love to open a café near the university in my home town. I would like [STRIKE]these[/STRIKE] the/those students to work in this café part-time. I think, if they [STRIKE]work[/STRIKE] do such a job, [STRIKE]there[/STRIKE] they will improve their communication skills, [STRIKE]gain[/STRIKE] widen [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] their social networks, and learn about business [STRIKE]life[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]in university[/STRIKE] before they get a real job. (I'm not sure you should suggest that working in a café isn't a real job!)

I would [STRIKE]assemble[/STRIKE] hold monthly meetings [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] at the café, [STRIKE]and in our meetings,[/STRIKE] at which young scholars could come up with [STRIKE]some[/STRIKE] innovative ideas and suggestions. I am sure (no comma here) they would know about current trends in the younger generation, especially [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] university students, and their minds [STRIKE]must[/STRIKE] would be [STRIKE]more[/STRIKE] fresher than those of experienced managers. If the café became a success [STRIKE]ful place[/STRIKE], the students could [STRIKE]have[/STRIKE] enjoy psychological fulfilment and [STRIKE]they would[/STRIKE] become more confident. [STRIKE]in their life." [/STRIKE]

Thank you.

See above.
 

tedmc

VIP Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
Chinese
Home Country
Malaysia
Current Location
Malaysia
How about:
- replacing "trends" with "requirements/expectation" of the younger generation, since they are the customers.
- their minds would be fresher - they would be more creative or innovative,.
 

Lynxear

Member
Joined
Dec 20, 2007
Member Type
Retired English Teacher
Native Language
English
Home Country
Canada
Current Location
Canada
How about:
- replacing "trends" with "requirements/expectation" of the younger generation, since they are the customers.
- their minds would be fresher - they would be more creative or innovative,.

I think the changes emsr2d2 made to the text were well done and did not take anything away from the intent of the original poster.

- replacing "trends" with "requirements/expectation" of the younger generation, since they are the customers.

"Trends" as used by the OP encompasses all aspects of university life, including things like menu items, music and the like. These are not necessarily requirements or expectations.

- their minds would be fresher - they would be more creative or innovative,

I love the word "fresher" in this context. He is showing a mind that is "open to change". They may be more creative or innovative but that is not the same thing.

 
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