Kindly check my content..does it apeal you emotionaly?

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new2grammar

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We are glad to announce a special scheme to make your wishes come true. You dream to own a glittering gold jewellery or may be a sparkling diamond jewellery set that adorns your friends beauty. You desire to own the top-end luxury watch or accessories that your colleague possesses. You long to see joyful smild of your sweetheart, when you bend on your knee in front of her to present her a glistening platinum ring. You want to buy jewellery for your daughters wedding. Now nothing could stop you from fulfiling your dreams or from enjoying those special moments of your life. Buy jewelery on emi
 

emsr2d2

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We are glad to announce a special scheme to make all your wishes come true. You dream [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] about owning a piece of glittering gold jewellery or [STRIKE]may be[/STRIKE] maybe a sparkling diamond jewellery set that [STRIKE]adorns[/STRIKE] complements [STRIKE]your[/STRIKE] a friend's beauty.

Maybe you desire [STRIKE]to own the[/STRIKE] a top-end luxury watch or accessories that [STRIKE]your[/STRIKE] a colleague possesses. You long to see the joyful [STRIKE]smild[/STRIKE] smile of your sweetheart, when you [STRIKE]bend on your[/STRIKE] go down on one knee in front of her to present her with a glistening platinum ring. You want to buy jewellery for your daughter's wedding.

Now nothing [STRIKE]could[/STRIKE] can stop you from fulfiling your dreams or from enjoying those special moments [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] in your life. Buy jewellery on emi (if this is a company name, shouldn't it be in capitals?)

See above. Personally, it doesn't appeal to me, but I don't like jewellery or expensive watches etc! :)
 

Tdol

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It doesn't make my heart beat faster. How about moving the first sentence to nearer the end?
 

new2grammar

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See above. Personally, it doesn't appeal to me, but I don't like jewellery or expensive watches etc! :)

I will work on it again because unless it make people like you interested in buying this the main purpose is not achieved

Thanks for your honest feedbacks and for your kind help
 

new2grammar

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See above. Personally, it doesn't appeal to me, but I don't like jewellery or expensive watches etc! :)

What about the following:

You long to see a twinkle in the eyes of your wife or girlfriend, when you present her the diamond jewellery set. You wish to own gold jewellery more elegant and charming than your friends. Your wait is over. Now you can make your wishes come true, buy jewellery on EMI, it’s really that simple now.
 

mmasny

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What about the following:

You long to see a twinkle in the eyes of your wife or girlfriend, when you present her the diamond jewellery set. You wish to own gold jewellery more elegant and charming than your friends. Your wait is over. Now you can make your wishes come true, buy jewellery on EMI, it’s really that simple now.
I don't know about the others, but I want your diamonds now.
 

Barb_D

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You have comma splices at the end.


Personally, I don't like to be told what I wish. If you said "If you long for..." or "If you wish..." with the answer to my desires, I'd prefer that than to being told what I want.
 

new2grammar

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Barb has a good point about using "You long, you wish, etc." If you put these as questions, people will stop and consider the questions.

I totally agree with Barb suggestion. Thanks for your kind help.
 
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