My writing challenge - post 1

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JulieGreen

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Day 1: An after-school game

When I was a child, my friends and I had many after-school games. The most favourite one, perhaps, was building the house. I remember that we created a tent with branches, jute bag, and banana leaves. We needed two days for making it. After it was completed, each child would donate some small things as "furniture." As a result, we had candles as the lamps, new jute bag as the rug, handmade kitchen with stones and sauces by beer caps. We cooked and ate with together. I cannot argue that it was my happy time. However, those tents were usually broken within one week. Later time, we found a house. Yes, a real wild house! Mai Anh, one of my friends, even got an old mattress. She put it on stones and bricks, and we had a big bed. Moreover, we bought a padlock to keep our secret house. It should be known, the money which we spend to purchase a lock was a great worth for kids. One day, another friend got some troubles with her mother, and we decided to let her live in the house. Every day, we gave her foods, waters, and anything that we could find. Linh and Trang, my friends, are sisters. They enthusiastically supported, but sometimes they also wasted rice or cooking oil of our secret house to their weird dishes. That was a cause of my blaming for them. Of course, this happened within a short time. And she came back her home soon. Then our house was broken by another boy whom we hated so much too.


For a long time ago, sometimes I can see the house where was "the secret place of kids." Although it is still not destroyed, people closed it. And every time I look at the walls, I remember my friends and our childhood memories so much.
 

Tarheel

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Re: My writing challenge

First sentence. Say:

When I was a child, my friends and I played many after-school games.

Remember that we don't "have" games. We play games.
 

Tarheel

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Re: My writing challenge

Sentences two through four. Try:

My most favourite game was building the house. I remember that we created a tent with with branches, a jute bag and banana leaves. It took two days to build it.

Later!
 

teechar

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Re: My writing challenge

Day 1: An after-school game

When I was a child, my friends and I [STRIKE]had[/STRIKE] played many [STRIKE]after-school[/STRIKE] games after school. [STRIKE]The most[/STRIKE] My favourite one, perhaps, was building [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] a house. I remember (that) we [STRIKE]created[/STRIKE] made a tent [STRIKE]with[/STRIKE] from tree branches, jute bags [consider "hessian sacks"], and banana leaves. [STRIKE]We needed[/STRIKE] It took two days [STRIKE]for making[/STRIKE] to make it. After it was completed, each child would donate some small things as "furniture." As a result, we had candles as the lamps, a new jute bag as the rug, handmade kitchen with stones and sauces by beer caps. We cooked and ate with together. I cannot argue that it was my happy time. However [why "however"?], those tents [STRIKE]were[/STRIKE] usually [STRIKE]broken[/STRIKE] fell apart within one week. Later, [STRIKE]time,[/STRIKE] we actually found a house. Yes, a real [STRIKE]wild[/STRIKE] derelict house! Mai Anh, one of my friends, even got an old mattress, [STRIKE]She[/STRIKE] put it on stones and bricks, and we had a big bed. Moreover, we bought a padlock to keep our secret house safe. It should be known, the money which we [STRIKE]spend[/STRIKE] spent to purchase the lock was a great [STRIKE]worth[/STRIKE] sum for us kids. One day, another friend [name?] got into some trouble with her mother, and we decided to let her live in the house. Every day, we gave her food, water, and anything that we could find. Linh and Trang, my friends, are sisters. They enthusiastically supported [What or who did they support?], but sometimes they also wasted rice or cooking oil [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] in our secret house to cook their weird dishes. That was a cause of my blaming for them. Of course, this [STRIKE]happened within[/STRIKE] only lasted a short time, and she [STRIKE]came[/STRIKE] went back [STRIKE]her[/STRIKE] home soon afterwards. Then our house was [STRIKE]broken[/STRIKE] demolished by [STRIKE]another[/STRIKE] a boy whom we hated so much too.

For a long time ago, sometimes I can see the house where was "the secret place of kids." Although it is still standing, it has been shuttered. [STRIKE]not destroyed, people closed it.[/STRIKE] And every time I look at the walls, I remember my friends and our childhood memories so much.
I don't understand the text highlighted in blue.
 

Tarheel

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Re: My writing challenge

Try:

After it was completed each child donated some small things to serve as furniture.
 
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