[Essay] Please help me check and polish my practical writing.

[rodgers white]

Hi, there. Recently, I have been doing a practical writing served as a possible version for my students. It is about making a survey on students’ future career choice after graduation. Please help me proofread and polish it.

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Our school has made a survey among the Senior 1 students about what to do after graduation. As many as about 40% of the girls choose to become accountants. However, boys are most interested in becoming businessmen. Only a few boys want to be teachers. Interestingly, the number of boys and girls who want to become doctors is equal. As for policeman, more boys expect to have this job. However, about 10% of the students are not clear about their future.

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Thanks to this forum, I have the opportunity to make my writing more authentic and cohesive. So please accept my thanks in advance.

 

[emsr2d2]

Hi, there. Recently, I have been doing a practical writing served as (I don't know what you mean by the underlined section) a possible version for my students. It is about [STRIKE]making[/STRIKE] a survey we did on students’ future career choices after graduation. Please proofread it and help me [STRIKE]proofread and[/STRIKE] polish it.

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Our school has [STRIKE]made a[/STRIKE] surveyed [STRIKE]among[/STRIKE] the Senior 1 students about what they want to do after graduation. [STRIKE]As many as[/STRIKE] About 40% of the girls [STRIKE]choose[/STRIKE] want to become accountants. [STRIKE]However[/STRIKE] The boys are [STRIKE]most[/STRIKE] more interested in becoming businessmen. Only a few boys want to be teachers. Interestingly, the number of boys and girls who want to become doctors is equal. As for [STRIKE]policeman[/STRIKE] police officers, more boys than girls [STRIKE]expect[/STRIKE] hope to [STRIKE]have this job[/STRIKE] join this profession. [STRIKE]However,[/STRIKE] About 10% of the students are not clear about their future.

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Thanks to this forum, I have the opportunity to make my writing more authentic and cohesive (no full stop required here) so please accept my thanks in advance.

See above. Why did you choose to give only approximate percentages? Why did we only get percentages for the girls who want to be accountants and the number of students who don't know what they want to do yet? It would make more sense to work out the actual figures and give those numbers for each group/occupation you've chosen to highlight.

"Making a survey" means "writing/creating a survey that people will take in the future". "Taking a survey" is what the students did by completing the questionnaire.

Girls can't become "policemen" so if that's the word you used on the questionnaire, it's hardly surprising the girls didn't choose it!

 

[rodgers white]

Thank you very much for your help. For the underline section above, I mean that I'm writing a practical composition, which is about a survey someone else did on students' future career choices after leaving school. And I will tell the students the result of the survey and ask them to write a composition about it. Also, my composition will serve as a possible version for my students to learn after I finish checking their compositions.

Why did you choose to give only approximate percentages? Why did we only get percentages for the girls who want to be accountants and the number of students who don't know what they want to do yet?

As for your questions above, it's certainly not a good survey. I just use it in order to give my students a chance to practise writing such a kind of practical essay.

"Making a survey" means "writing/creating a survey that people will take in the future". "Taking a survey" is what the students did by completing the questionnaire.

Girls can't become "policemen" so if that's the word you used on the questionnaire, it's hardly surprising the girls didn't choose it!

Thank you for clarifying the difference between "make a survey" and "survey", and obviously I should use "police officers" instead of "policeman" if I want my students to take the survey that I made.

It would make more sense to work out the actual figures and give those numbers for each group/occupation you've chosen to highlight.

I can't agree with you more. Maybe I can survey the students myself and then ask my students to write a composition with the actual figures of its result. Anyway, thank you so much for your time and I really appreciate it.