[Essay] Please help me check this essay.

[Sunny Green]

I'm going to take the IELTS exam at the end of this month. Here is my practice for writing task 2. Please give me some advice so that I could know what I need to improve. Many thanks in advance!

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Task 2: Studies show that criminals get a low level of education. Some believe that the best way to reduce crime is educating people in prison so they can get a job after leaving prison. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Recently, prison-based education has become a major topic of concern in modern society. While I concede that this method may bring down crime rate, I am firmly of the opinion that this is not the optimal solution in comparison with other alternatives.

It is undeniable that education behind bars can contribute to the crime reduction. First, this form of education may prepare inmates essential vocational skills to meet the requirement of employers. When the offenders are released, they can have brighter job prospects and earn a living by themselves, which may reduce recidivism. Second, correctional education may help prisoners realize that they are still valued by society. This can motivate them to become good citizens and inspire many others to live without crimes.

However, I strongly believe that prison-based education is far from the best measure to reduce crime rate. The primary reason is that this solution lacks preventive value since it is only offered to those who committed a crime. Stronger punishments such as life sentence or capital punishment may be more effective to deter people from carrying out a crime. In addition, there are plenty of alternatives which can have more long-lasting impact on crime reduction. A prime example of this is to introduce criminology to school curriculum to equip students with necessary knowledge about crime and its potential dangers. Once students are aware of criminal risks, they may be less likely to commit crimes and become law-abiding citizens.

To conclude, although I agree that correctional education can reduce crime rate, I am firmly convinced that better solutions can be implemented such as stronger punishment or crime education at school.

 

[teechar]

I'm going to take the IELTS exam at the end of this month. Here is my practice for writing task 2. Please give me some advice so that I could know what I need to improve. Many thanks in advance!

Hello Sunny Green, and welcome to the forum.

Recently, prison-based education has become a major topic of [STRIKE]concern[/STRIKE] discussion in modern society. While I concede that this [STRIKE]method[/STRIKE] approach may bring down the crime rate, I am firmly of the opinion that [STRIKE]this[/STRIKE] it is not the optimal solution when [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] compared [STRIKE]ison[/STRIKE] with other alternatives.

It is ["undeniable" is too strong and goes against your position] [STRIKE]undeniable[/STRIKE] often argued that educating convicted criminals in prison [STRIKE]on behind bars[/STRIKE] can contribute to reducing the rate of crime. [STRIKE]reduction.[/STRIKE] First, this form of education [STRIKE]may prepare[/STRIKE] can provide inmates with some essential vocational skills to [STRIKE]meet the requirement of employers.[/STRIKE] help them look for work when they [STRIKE]offenders[/STRIKE] are released. [STRIKE]they can have brighter job prospects and earn a living by themselves, which may reduce recidivism.[/STRIKE] This may reduce the probability of those criminals re-offending. Second, correctional education may help prisoners realize that they are still valued by society. This can motivate them to become good citizens and inspire [STRIKE]many others[/STRIKE] them to live without crime.

However, I strongly believe that prison-based education is far from the best measure to reduce the crime rate. The primary reason is that this solution lacks any preventive aspect [STRIKE]value[/STRIKE] since it is only offered to those who already committed a crime. Stronger punishments such as a life sentence [STRIKE]or capital punishment[/STRIKE] [That's too drastic and controversial; avoid such extreme ideas in your writing.] may be more effective [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] in deterring people from [STRIKE]carrying out[/STRIKE] committing a crime. In addition, there are plenty of alternatives which can have a longer-lasting [STRIKE]more long-lasting[/STRIKE] impact on crime reduction. A prime example of this is to introduce criminology to school curriculum to equip students with necessary knowledge about crime and its potential dangers. Once students are aware of criminal risks, they may be less likely to commit crimes and become law-abiding citizens. [That argument is quite poor.]

To conclude, although I agree that correctional education can reduce the crime rate, I am firmly convinced that better solutions can be implemented such as stronger punishments or [STRIKE]crime[/STRIKE] education at school.

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[Sunny Green]

.[/ A prime example of this is to introduce criminology to school curriculum to equip students with necessary knowledge about crime and its potential dangers. Once students are aware of criminal risks, they may be less likely to commit crimes and become law-abiding citizens. [That argument is quite poor.]

For this argument, I rewrite it like this:

A prime example of this is to introduce criminology to school curriculum to equip students with necessary knowledge about crime and its potential dangers. Once people are aware of criminal risks while studying at school, they may be less likely to commit crimes and become more law-abiding citizens. This is surely a more sustainable solution to prevent crime than education for prisoners.

 

[teechar]

No. I didn't mean that your argument needed to be reworded; I meant that it (having criminology as part of the school curriculum) doesn't make a lot of sense. Try to come up with a completely different one.