Repetition?

[HanibalII]

Hey all, another query.

I'm not sure whether this sentence is correct.

It sounds a little like repetition.

"A group of people approached his house, but they stood in their group whispering in hushed voices."



Cheers

 

[emsr2d2]

Hey all, another query.

I'm not sure whether this sentence is correct.

It sounds a little like repetition.

"A group of people approached his house, but they stood [STRIKE]in their[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]group[/STRIKE] whispering [STRIKE]in hushed voices[/STRIKE]."



Cheers

You can remove the repetitive parts and the meaning is unchanged.

 

[HanibalII]

You can remove the repetitive parts and the meaning is unchanged.

Cool. I just didnt know whether it'd be the same. Trying to cut down words.

 

[emsr2d2]

If you're trying to cut it down even further then you could use "A group approached his house and stood whispering".

There was certainly no need for "whispering in hushed voices" as we generally don't whisper any other way. You have used "talking in hushed voices" although that can just be speaking at a very low volume, not necessarily whispering.

 

[HanibalII]

And which do you think has a more conspiratorial connotation?

 

[Raymott]

And which do you think has a more conspiratorial connotation?

Hey, if this is your short story homework assignment, Haniballl, there's a limit to how much we can write and edit it for you.
Your teacher wants to know what you can do.
Once you've submitted it and received your mark with your teacher's feedback, you can post the whole thing here for criticism if you wish.

 

[HanibalII]

Hey, if this is your short story homework assignment, Haniballl, there's a limit to how much we can write and edit it for you.
Your teacher wants to know what you can do.
Once you've submitted it and received your mark with your teacher's feedback, you can post the whole thing here for criticism if you wish.

Bahaha. Ya got me! Still, I didn't think it would've been too much. I'm really only looking for ways to shorten it.

 

[emsr2d2]

I was wondering why you wanted to shorten a sentence if you were simply practicing your English. I echo Raymott's request - write it how YOU write it, submit it, and then let us know if your teacher has marked anything incorrect or which could be improved but you don't understand why.

 

[charliedeut]

Bahaha. Ya got me! Still, I didn't think it would've been too much. I'm really only looking for ways to shorten it.

Hi,

Please keep in mind that there are many members/posters who are not native speakers of English. Therefore, please refrain from using nonsatndard forms like "ya" as much as possible, since they might confuse them.

Thank you.

charliedeut

 

[Rover_KE]

@HanibalII.

Now that you have tricked us into doing your homework for you, any future questions from you will be treated with suspicion and are likely to be deleted.

Rover

 

[HanibalII]

@HanibalII.

Now that you have tricked us into doing your homework for you, any future questions from you will be treated with suspicion and are likely to be deleted.

Rover

I'm sorry if you got the impression I was trying to deceive the helpers on here. It was not my intent.

I really didn't think it would be against the rules to ask for help shortening a few sentences even though it was for school work. Which is why in most cases, I've put forward suggestions regarding the sentence and looking for confirmation.

 

[charliedeut]

I'm sorry if you got the impression I was trying to deceive the helpers on here. It was not my intent.

I really didn't think it would be against the rules to ask for help shortening a few sentences even though it was for school work. Which is why in most cases, I've put forward suggestions regarding the sentence and looking for confirmation.

HanibalII, please check this: Announcements - Ask a Teacher.

charliedeut

 

[emsr2d2]

I'm sorry if you got the impression I was trying to deceive the helpers on here. It was not my intent.

I really didn't think it would be against the rules to ask for help shortening a few sentences even though it was for school work. Which is why in most cases, I've put forward suggestions regarding the sentence and looking for confirmation.

The fact that your reply to the initial challenge about this being your homework was "Bahaha. Ya got me! " pretty much shows that you absolutely were trying to deceive the helpers on here.

As a result of this thread and the Announcement you were asked to look at you now know that it is against the rules to ask for help with homework before you submit it. My personal feeling is that there is nothing wrong with saying "Does this sound natural?" followed by a sentence or two. However, if it is work you have not yet submitted, you will have to be content with a simple "Yes" or "No" response.

Homework is designed so that the teacher can see what YOU know and you YOU use English. There is no point in their knowing how well we use English or how well you can use this website.


​

 

[Raymott]

To be fair to Hanniballl, he did declare his intent is this thread: https://www.usingenglish.com/forum/editing-writing-topics/174004-writing-short-stories.html in which I gave him a few tips about story writing (but didn't write anything for him). So his first mention of this as homework was not in this thread, and maybe I encouraged him.
Anyhow he's been warned now.