This is a writing Correction for my student

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esj1011

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Jan 3, 2015
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English Teacher
Native Language
Korean
Home Country
South Korea
Current Location
South Korea
Hi,
Following is the part of the writing of my student. I did the correction for his writing, but I wonder if I have missed any grammatical error. I'd also like to hear from you if there is any awkwardness in his writing.
Thank you always.


[FONT=&#44404]Here are some solutions to prevent ferry disasters like Sewol. First, the government should start implementing stronger regulations to protect passengers and the safety of the ships traveling. In this new regulation, any misconduct which may put the safety of the traveling vessels in danger, including overloading the cargo, will no longer be allowed. Any company and its officials who violate the regulation must be punished in the full strength of the law.[/FONT]
[FONT=&#44404]Second, the Department of Transport, who is responsible for issuing crew licensing, should find the ways to improve crew communication and training. Captain and his crews always keep this in their minds that lives of passengers must come before anything. [/FONT]
[FONT=&#44404]I hope that we will be living in a world where people can travel without feeling any danger.[/FONT]​
 
Here are some[STRIKE] solutions[/STRIKE] recommendations to prevent ferry disasters like the Sewol. First, the government should start implementing [STRIKE]stronger[/STRIKE] stricter regulations to protect passengers and the safety of the ships[STRIKE] traveling[/STRIKE].[STRIKE] In this new regulation,[/STRIKE] any [STRIKE]misconduct[/STRIKE] non-compliance which [STRIKE]may put the safety of the [/STRIKE] may endanger the traveling vessels [STRIKE]in danger[/STRIKE], including overloading [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] with cargo, [STRIKE]will no longer[/STRIKE] must not be allowed. Any company and its [STRIKE]officials[/STRIKE] staff who violate the regulation must be severely punished i[STRIKE]n the full strength of the law.[/STRIKE]/face the full weight of the law.

Second, the Department of Transport who is responsible for issuing [STRIKE]crew licensing[/STRIKE] licenses(, should [STRIKE]find the ways to[/STRIKE] endeavour to improve crew communication and training. The captain and his crews must always keep this in [STRIKE]their [/STRIKE]mind that lives of passengers [STRIKE]must come before anything. [/STRIKE] are paramount.

I hope that we [STRIKE]will be living[/STRIKE] can live in a world where people can travel without feeling any danger.

not a teacher
 
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I humbly admit your criticism, and I will work harder to be a better teacher.
I do appreciate your help, tedmc.
 
This is what I have come up with.

Here are my recommendations to prevent ferry disasters like the Sewol. First, the government should start implementing stricter regulations to protect passengers and the safety of the ships. Any non-compliance which may endanger the traveling vessels, including overloading with cargo, must not be allowed. Any company and its staff who violates the regulation must be punished by the full strength of law.

Second, the Department of Transport who is responsible for issuing licenses, should endeavor to improve crew communication and training. The captain and his crew must always keep this in their mind that lives of passengers must take precedence over lives of their own in any situation.


I hope that we can live in a world where people can travel without feeling any danger.
 
The captain and his crew must always keep this in their mind that lives of passengers must take precedence over lives of their own in any situation.

I do not think there are people who would think that way in an emergency - placing other peoples' lives above your own.

I wouldn't call those things I edited 'criticisms'. I would call them 'suggested improvements.
 
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Again, thank you for your suggestion.
About the the "criticism," I meant it for the phrase, "not a teacher" you left at the end of the writing.
 
Again, thank you for your suggestion.
About the the "criticism," I meant it for the phrase, "not a teacher" you left at the end of the writing.
What has criticism got to do with my 'not a teacher' note?
 
I may have misunderstood you. I thought you said that I was not a teacher.
 
I am not a teacher and I have been specifically told to write that down.
 
I am not a teacher and I have been specifically told to write that down.

Now, I can understand what that "not a teacher" note mean :)
tedmc, you have helped me a lot, and I want you to know that I really thank you for your help :)
 
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