[General] Writing Correction

[esj1011]

Hi,
Below is a writing of my student.
It would be nice of you if you gave me some advice if the sentences are wrong.
Thank you.

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4.16 Sewol ship accident

There are many preventable disasters in the world. These kind of disasters are usually man-made and can be prevented. In 2014, a terrible disaster occurred in South Korea. This time I’m going to handle the Sewol ship accident, which is one of the biggest disasters in South Korea.

The Sewol ship started sailing from Incheon port to Jeju Island on April 15[SUP]th[/SUP], 2014.. The ship started to tilt with a loud noise. The cause of the accident was that the ship was caring too much cargo. After the ship began sinking, the inexperienced crew members ordered passengers to stay still in their location. While the crew members asked the passengers not to move, they including the captain of the ship abandoned the ship, leaving the passengers on board on the sinking ship.

There was a miscommunication between the Emergency Service and the ship. This serious mistake resulted in the delay of rescue team to arrive at the accident location. The passengers had about an hour to escape from the sinking ship before the rescue team arrived. But, the irresponsible crew members made the passengers stay put, and they ran out of the ship to be rescued. The captain and his crew left more than 300 victims under the frigid water.

It is two times sad since most of the victims are high school students. They had to end their lives under the cold water, giving up all their dreams. The whole nation is upset about this maritime disaster. I hope all victims to rest in peace in heaven. This kind of terrible disaster must not happen again.

 

[emsr2d2]

Welcome to the forum. :hi:

You're her English teacher. What mistakes have you found? What comments have you/would you make on her essay?

 

[tedmc]

I have been tempted to do this as an exercise. Teachers are welcome to correct my corrections.

Sewol Ferry Accident/Disaster

(rewritten in red)
There are many preventable disasters in the world. These kind of disasters are usually man-made and can be prevented. In 2014, a terrible disaster occurred in South Korea. This time I’m going to handle the Sewol ship accident, which is one of the biggest disasters in South Korea.

Many disasters in the world are caused by men and are preventable. In 2014, a terrible disaster occurred in South Korea, one of biggest disasters in South Korea in recent times. The cause of the accident was overloading of the ferry due to its carrying too much cargo.

(rewritten in red)
The Sewol ship started sailing from Incheon port to Jeju Island on April 15[SUP]th[/SUP], 2014.. The ship started to tilt with a loud noise. The cause of the accident was that the ship was caring too much cargo. After the ship began sinking, the inexperienced crew members ordered passengers to stay still in their location. While the crew members asked the passengers not to move, they including the captain of the ship abandoned the ship, leaving the passengers on board on the sinking ship.

Sewol is the name of a ferry which plies between Incheon Port(Seoul) and Jeju Island. On April 15, 2014, on the way to Jeju, the ferry started to tilt with a loud noise. When the ferry began to sink, the inexperienced crew members ordered the passengers to stay put where they were. While the passengers obeyed the order to remain on the ferry, the crew members including the captain abandoned the ferry leaving the former helpless on board the sinking ship.

There was a miscommunication between the Emergency Service and the ship. This serious mistake resulted in the delay of the rescue team [STRIKE]to arrive [/STRIKE] in arriving at the accident location. The passengers had about an hour to escape from the sinking ship before the rescue team arrived. But, the irresponsible crew members made the passengers stay put, [STRIKE]and [/STRIKE] while [STRIKE]they ran out of the ship[/STRIKE] they scrambled to leave the ferry to be rescued. The captain and his crew left more than 300 victims [STRIKE]under[/STRIKE] to perish in the frigid water.


It is [STRIKE]two times[/STRIKE] doubly sad [STRIKE]since[/STRIKE] that most of the victims [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] were high school students. They had to end their lives [STRIKE]under[/STRIKE] in the cold water, giving up all their dreams. The whole nation [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] was upset about this maritime disaster. I hope all the victims [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] rest in peace in heaven. This kind of terrible disaster must not be allowed to happen again.

not a teacher

 

[SoothingDave]

The first two sentences say that preventable disasters can be prevented.

 

[tedmc]

Preventable disasters can be prevented.

Is that a good sentence?

 

[esj1011]

Oh my....
tedmc, thank you so much for your help.