[Essay] Travelling narrows or broadens your mind?

[Marisol208]

Hello again! I´ve just finished this essay. If anyone had time to see it, it would be helpful for me. Sorry for the mistakes


TRAVELLING NARROWS OR BROADENS YOUR MIND?

Some people argue that travelling is one of the richest experiences which everybody should live. Other people claim that it is just a waste of time and money.
Regardless of the fact that taking a weak off has many advantages, it could mean to spend a large budget, especially if you are thinking of going abroad. You have to save enough money in order to pay the plane tickets, the accommodation, the food and different excursions. Moreover, you have to take into account that your national currency may have a different value for another country. Furthermore, if you had the misfortune of getting robbed or having an accident, it could mean the end of a happy holiday.
Among the positive aspects we could outline that travelling allows you to enter a state of deep relaxation. Taking a break and disconnecting from your stressful daily routines, problems and pressures of work, it is highly beneficial to your emotional and physical health. When you go on holiday, you can relax and do what you want without worrying about anything. What is more, it encourages you to reconnect with your loved ones as well as strengthen your relationships. Beside this, if you have the chance to go abroad, it will make you more open-minded. Meeting new cultures, sceneries, historical places not only will refresh your mind but also enhance your creativity. Apart from this, you will become more independent and self-confident as you cope with foreign situations.
All things considered, I am inclined to believe that travelling can bring you more benefits than problems. Finally, I would like to quote the following phrase: “The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page”. Saint Augustine

 

[teechar]

Some people argue that travelling is one of the most enriching activities [STRIKE]richest experiences[/STRIKE] which everybody should experience. [STRIKE]live.[/STRIKE] Other people claim that it is just a waste of time and money.
[Your introduction could be a little longer.]

Regardless of the fact that taking [STRIKE]a weak[/STRIKE] time off to go travelling has many advantages, it could also mean having to spend a large amount of money, [STRIKE]budget,[/STRIKE] especially if you are thinking of going abroad. You have to save enough money in order to pay for the plane tickets, the accommodation, the food and various other expenses. [STRIKE]different excursions.[/STRIKE] Moreover, you have to take into account that your national currency may have a different value for another country. Furthermore, if you had the misfortune of getting robbed or having an accident, it could mean the end of a happy holiday. [You're off topic in that paragraph, I'm afraid. It's completely outside the scope of your essay.]

Among the positive aspects we could outline that travelling allows you to enter a state of deep relaxation. Taking a break and disconnecting from your stressful daily routines, problems and pressures of work, it is highly beneficial to your emotional and physical health. When you go on holiday, you can relax and do what you want without worrying about anything. What is more, it encourages you to reconnect with your loved ones as well as strengthen your relationships. Beside this, if you have the chance to go abroad, it will make you more open-minded. Meeting new cultures, sceneries, historical places not only will refresh your mind but also enhance your creativity. Apart from this, you will become more independent and self-confident as you cope with foreign situations.[That paragraph should be split into two or three separate paragraphs, each dealing with one point, culture, rest from work, and relaxation with family.]

I suggest you redraft that essay and post it again. You might want to look at my replies in the link below.

https://www.usingenglish.com/forum/threads/231730-University-Education

 

[Marisol208]

You are right the first paragraph it has nothing to do with the topic. I'm going to thing of some other type of downsides.
Refering to the second paragraph it doesn´t matter if I have 3 separate paragraphs for advantages and 3 for disadvantages? I thought that I have to write all the advantages in one paragraph and all the disadvantages in another.

 

[teechar]

You are right; the first paragraph [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] has nothing to do with the topic. I'm going to think [STRIKE]thing[/STRIKE] of some other [STRIKE]type of[/STRIKE] downsides.
Referring to the second paragraph, [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] doesn't it matter if I have 3 separate paragraphs for advantages and 3 for disadvantages? I thought that I have to write all the advantages in one paragraph and all the disadvantages in another.

Let me say that the above prompt is unlikely in an exam. I mean it's too short. I took it to mean "do you think travelling narrows or broadens your mind?" However, it is possible to interpret the prompt as asking for an expository (rather than persuasive) essay. Perhaps you can do one of each type! ;-) In either case, it is important to tell the reader in the introduction.

Expository, e.g.:
This essay will outline the benefits and drawbacks of travelling.

Persuasive, e.g.:
I strongly/firmly believe that travelling enriches our lives and broadens our minds.

So, which one do you want to do?

 

[Marisol208]

I'm just going to do the expositary one.

 

[teechar]

Okay. You can post it below if you wish.