Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed

Bassim

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I am wondering if my sentence is grammatically correct.

Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed with an IV attached to her little arm, emotions swept Maria, and she started sobbing and crying.
 

Tarheel

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Perhaps:

Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed with an IV attached to her little arm, she was overcome with emotion. She cried, tears running down her cheeks.
 

Bassim

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Tarheel,
I tried to avoid using the passive, and therefore I used "emotions swept Maria", but probably my construction does not sound good.
 

Tarheel

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I avoid "started" as much as possible in sentences like that. (I think it is way overused.) But a lot of people will have no problem with the way you phrased things.
 

Bassim

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You are right. Editors recommend avoiding "started". Some even recommend avoiding "feel".
 

Tarheel

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Thanks for telling me I'm right.

I like to say that I'm not that much of a writer, but I'm a really good rewriter.

It very effectively conveys emotion when you describe what a person does. That scene with the mother watching her little girl lying in a hospital bed hooked up to a IV and standing there crying is very affecting.
 

Bassim

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Tarheel,

You have editing in your blood. I noticed that the very first time you corrected my sentences. A read a few books before written by editors, and they recommend cutting out redundant words the way you did when you corrected my texts.
 

Tarheel

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Tarheel,

You have editing in your blood. I noticed that the very first time you corrected my sentences. I read a few books before written by editors, and they recommend cutting out redundant words the way you did when you corrected my texts.

I don't remember the first time. (It was a long time ago.) Thank you for the kind words.

You have made a lot of progress since you started. I think you should write a book about your experiences.
 

Bassim

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I couldn't read or write English in the last few days because I had to move again to another flat. It cost me so much energy and time and I felt exhausted, as if I had ran two marathons. My previous flat turned into a torture chamber because my neighbour used to wake me up in the middle of the night, and I would lie awake for hours, unable to sleep. That was my worst time in Sweden since I came here more than 24 years ago. But now I finally have a quiet flat, and I hope I could continue to progress and write something good. I have many stories and books inside me, but I am not satisfied with the level of my English. Professional writing demands a certain quality, which I still lack. A good story will not help me to get attention of a publisher if my language is filled with mistakes and wrong choice of words.
 

Tarheel

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I couldn't read or write English in the last few days because I had to move again to another flat. It cost me so much energy and time and I felt exhausted, as if I had run two marathons. My previous flat turned into a torture chamber because my neighbour used to wake me up in the middle of the night, and I would lie awake for hours, unable to sleep. That was my worst time in Sweden since I came here more than 24 years ago. But now I finally have a quiet flat, and I hope I can continue to progress and write something good. I have many stories and books inside me, but I am not satisfied with the level of my English. Professional writing demands a certain quality, which I still lack. A good story will not help me to get the attention of a publisher if my language is filled with mistakes and the wrong choice of words.

I agree that there are still problems. But don't give up!
 

Bassim

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I will never give up. Even if someone tells me that my writing is worthless, I am still going to read and write, because I know that I can write. My writing is full with emotions and I am going to write about things that concerns every human being. The well-known writers I read nowadays leave me completely unaffected. The real writing hit you like a stone, and you ask yourself how I didn't see these things happening in society myself? How could I live all my life and not understand what is happening around me? And when you have finished the book, you can't forget it because it touched you in such a way that you want to know more. I have experienced the war in Bosnia, the prison camp and 24 years in Sweden, which were my worst years in life, but that had only made me stronger. I have been insulted in the street hundreds of times by Swedish men, but I did not let myself be provoked. I told myself, "If you were real men, you would not insult me." I have novels which have to be written and published because the truth must come out. The real literature is not about the beautiful language and complicated plots, but the truth.
 

emsr2d2

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I will never give up. Even if someone tells me that my writing is worthless, I am still going to read and write, because I know that I can write. My writing is full [STRIKE]with[/STRIKE] of emotions and I am going to write about things that [STRIKE]concerns[/STRIKE] concern every human being. The well-known writers I read nowadays leave me completely unaffected. [STRIKE]The[/STRIKE] Real writing hits you like a stone, and you ask yourself "How didn't I [STRIKE]didn't[/STRIKE] see these things happening in society myself? How could I have lived [STRIKE]all[/STRIKE] my life [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] not understanding what is happening around me?" And when you have finished the book, you can't forget it because it touched you in such a way that you want to know more. I have experienced the war in Bosnia, [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] a prison camp, and 24 years in Sweden, which were [STRIKE]my[/STRIKE] the worst years [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] of my life, but that [STRIKE]had[/STRIKE] has only made me stronger. I have been insulted in the street hundreds of times by Swedish men, but I did not let myself be provoked. I told myself, "If you were real men, you would not insult me." I have novels which have to be written and published because the truth must come out. [STRIKE]The[/STRIKE] Real literature is not about [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] beautiful language and complicated plots, but the truth.

See above.
 
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