[Essay] ...were electrified with...

[rodgers white]

Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

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The kiss, when delivered as requested, was long, sweet, and gentle. Not hot and full of passion as one might expect, neither knew what that was, not yet, anyway. The kiss was, however, the most exhilarating experience either had ever had. For a few seconds, they were lost in the moment. Their bodies, not just their lips, were electrified with giddy pleasure. The kiss ended, but the sensations lingered, tapering off so gradually that hours later they could still feel them.

Qingmei was the first to speak. “Hhmmm this fate thing makes me dizzy. I like fate.”

Yang heard himself agree, but no sound came out of his mouth except an echo of Qingmei’s “hhmmm”, then he seemed to wake up. “Fate will make us late and require answers to questions we might want to avoid. Let’s get moving.”

The pair floated on a breeze that headed towards Yang’s home, their senses vague and dreamlike, and like a dream, their destination appeared suddenly, as if it had arrived, not them.

Yang said, “This is it, are you ready?”

Qingmei shook her head, looked down to make sure Yang was still holding her hand, and then nodded. “Fate it is.”

Yang opened the door, and they glided in.

 

[tedmc]

Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

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The kiss, when delivered as requested, was long, sweet, and gentle. Not hot and full of passion as one might expect, neither knew what that was, not yet (1), anyway. The kiss was, however, the most exhilarating experience either had ever had. For a few seconds, they were lost in the moment. Their bodies, not just their lips, were electrified with giddy pleasure. The kiss ended, but the sensations lingered, tapering (2) off so gradually that hours later they could still feel them.

Qingmei was the first to speak. “Hhmmm this fate thing makes me dizzy, I like fate (3).”

Yang heard himself agree, but no sound came out of his mouth except an echo of Qingmei’s “hhmmm”, then he seemed to wake up. “Fate will make us late and require answers to questions we might want to avoid. Let’s get moving.”

The pair floated on a breeze (4) that headed towards Yang’s home, their senses vague and dreamlike, and like a dream, their destination appeared. Suddenly, as if it had arrived, not them.

Yang said, “This is it, are you ready?”

Qingmei shook her head, looked down to make sure Yang was still holding her hand, and then nodded. “Fate it is.”

Yang opened the door, and they glided in.

1. The sentence does not work. The is no subject.

2. "Taper" is used with physical things. Try "fade/wear off".

3. Comma splice

4. Is that for real?

 

[rodgers white]

1. I think it works. The subject is 'neither'.
2. I am not sure about this. The phrase 'taper off' means to grow less in scope or intensity especially gradually. If I have to rephrase it, I'd use 'fade away' or 'subside'.
3. You are right. My bad. I corrected it in Post #1.
4. No, I use it metaphorically.

 

[Tarheel]

I would shorten the first sentence thusly:

The kiss was long, sweet and gentle.

I don't have any problem with the next one. (One of my English teachers told me not to use sentence fragments, but I'm not in school now, so I do what I want to do.)

I think you used "tapering" exactly right.

I would say:

.. and, as if in a dream, their destination appeared suddenly as if it had arrived and not them.

Pretty good!
:up: