Writing an essay

[Paulaver]

Hello everybody, I'm preparing myself for the CAE exam and I need someone to have a look at my essay and tell how can I do better. Thank you very much in advance.

So I have to write an essay discussing two of the methods in my notes. I have choosen providing formal qualifications and work experience programmes. This subject has already appeared in the forum. However, I would appreciate to have also a correction. So here it is:

Education can help students find jobs in several ways. However, does the education system does enough to help young people to find jobs which fit their abilities and interests? This essay will discuss two of the methods by which school or university education helps students to find suitable employment, viz., providing formal qualifications and work experience programmes.
First of all, I reckon it might be considered to provide courses and qualifications at the high school. At the age of fifteen, we do need to choose between subjects which will approach us to our future careers. In this regard, to provide additional choice of education could be worth it. I mean to replace some of the subjects by specific programmes or courses in which we can practice and study a job we are interested in. For instance, culinary workshops, informatics courses, talks in schools, research projects, and so on.
Secondly, work experience programmes may be issued a bit later in the bachelor. Before finishing the high school and applying to the University, work experience programmes should be supplied in order to orientate young people in their laboral future. This experience may be considered as the traineeship in the degrees or masters. To illustrate this argument, I will put the example of Switzerland. There, the students are able to combine their student hours with their work hours, that is, they work and they study at the same time as they are in the high school. My proposal will be to do this at the last year of high school in which you could make a choice between the different work options. Besides, the student hours will be reduced in order to add the working hours.

 

[teechar]

Hello everybody, I'm preparing myself for the CAE exam, and I need someone to have a look at my essay and tell me how can I do better. Thank you very much in advance.


So I have to write an essay discussing two of the methods in my notes. I have chosen providing formal qualifications and work experience programmes. This subject has already appeared in the forum. However, I would appreciate your feedback. [Strike]to have also a correction.[/Strike] So here it is:


Education can help students find jobs in several ways. However, does the education system [Strike]does[/Strike] do enough to help young people to find jobs which fit their abilities and interests? This essay will discuss two of the methods by which school or university education helps students to find suitable employment, viz., providing formal qualifications and work experience programmes.


First of all, I reckon it might be considered to provide courses and qualifications at the high school. At the age of fifteen, we do need to choose between subjects which will [Strike]approach[/Strike] lead us to our future careers. In this regard, to provide additional choice of education could be worth it. I mean it might be useful to replace some of the subjects by specific programmes or courses in which we can practice and study a job we are interested in. For instance, culinary workshops, informatics courses, talks in schools, research projects, and so on.


Secondly, work experience programmes may be issued a bit later in the bachelor. Before finishing the high school and applying to go to [Strike]the[/Strike] university, students should go on work experience [Strike]programmes should be supplied[/Strike] in order to orientate young people in their potential [Strike]laboral[/Strike] future careers. This experience may be considered as the traineeship in the degrees or masters. To illustrate this, [Strike]argument,[/Strike] I will [Strike]put the[/Strike] use the example of Switzerland. There, [Strike]the[/Strike] students are able to combine their student hours with their work hours; that is, they work and they study [Strike]at the same time as they are[/Strike] while in [Strike]the[/Strike] high school. My proposal will be to do this [Strike]at[/Strike] in the last year of high school in which [Strike]you[/Strike] students could make a choice between the different work options. Besides, the student hours will be reduced in order to add the working hours.

Hello Paul, and welcome to the forum.
The underlined parts are unclear. Can you rephrase/explain them?