Dear teachers , my English is so poor that I hope you should answer my question directly.Yes, I think that you're right about the comma. And your version is easier to understand, but I like the "we be" without the "may" because I am nostalgic for the subjunctive case. Your version maintains the (Ah, I forget the technical term) unusual word order, though -- which is cool. I should look that term up. Verse uses it all the time to achieve rhyme.