help me please,my boss said,,my letter is worse

[agungvs69]

To:
PT. XX XX


Attn: Mr. Harry Potter
General Manager

Subject: Status of Project Payment hogwart area 2008


Dear sir,
Due to there is no explanation from PT. XX regarding our claim of work at hogwart area 2008. R&D, bogor, diagon alley and hagrid house was our sites that had been hold by PT. XX on 29 October 2008.
Fact that the work should begin immediately, PT.XX then ask PT. YY to immediately to provide required material so that progress in site can be running, and PT.YY have done it. But because there is a postponement of work (without time restrictions), XX request to YY to prepare all the documents that related to site that been hold, so it can be charged to PT XX Indonesia.
So YY Prepared all the document, include Opname Work Result, opname material result on site and a quittance of purchased material which have signed and agreed by YY and XX Hogward Region. And we send to the central office of XX



We have also re-submitted the documents on 6 July 2009, so the charge can be processed. Therefore we request responses and explanations from PT. Relacom Indonesia regarding status of the payment, within one week since this letter was issued
We please your attention and we believe you will reply this letter

Thank you very much.

Best regards,
PT.YY






my bos said that, my letter is not like a formal letter. it sound like a private letter....
hiks

[sarat_106]

Your boss is very generous is passing a mild comment on your draft letter. He wants you to write correct and natural English. However, your letter is complicated and difficult to understand. I understand it as under:
M/s XXXX a company in Indonesia have engaged your company namely M/s YYYY to execute some project at Hogwart area 2008. The work is presently on hold(stopped) at the sites namely R&D, Bogor, Deagon alley and Hhagrid house, for non payment of dues. You have submitted all the required documents and waited for action. As there is no response, you want to write a letter to the general manager of the company for his intervention and quick action.
So if this is correct I can modify your letter keeping your language intact, as far as practicable. Please let me have your nod as soon as possible.

[agungvs69]

yeah,that's right.the situation is some off like that.

before i wrote that letter, i've already wrote a simple letter...but my bos want more detailed.so i write that letter.

huufffff,,,,,its so hard.

[sarat_106]

Hi agungvs69, Here is your letter modified substantially.

To:
M/s. XX XX

Subject: Status Payment in respect of Project executed in Hogwart area 2008
Attn: Mr. Harry Potter, General Manager

Dear sir,

This is with reference our claim relating to work at Hogwart area 2008 to which we have neither received any reply nor clarification from your local office. Consequently, all activities at sites namely R&D, Bbogor, Diagon alley and Hagrid house had been on hold since 29th October 2008.
As a matter of fact we were keen to begin the work immediately. So as directed by your local office,we procured the required material so as to keep the work at different sites running, but due to non release of timely payment there is a postponement of work indefinitely (without time restrictions). Meanwhile your local office requested us to prepare all the documents related to sites where work had been on hold, so as to create a on your head office in Indonesia.
So we prepared all the document, including Opname Work Result, opname material result on site and a list of purchased material which have signed and agreed by us and your local office Hogward Region, and we have sent it to your central office.
We have also re-submitted the documents on 6 July 2009, so that the charge can be processed expeditiously . Thereafter we have made request for responses and explanations/clarifications if any from M/s Relacom Indonesia regarding status of the payment, within one week of issue of (since) that letter (was issued)
We hereby draw (please) your kind attention to the facts mentioned as above and (we) believe that you will take prompt action in the matter under appropriate advice to us.

Thanking you.

Yours faithfully
(Name M/s.YY)

[agungvs69]

Thankyou..
I will learn my mistake and hope,,i can make a great letter like that.

hiiihhhaaa

thankyou so much