Help with review of personal statement for Business School

[Benno1323]

Hello, first of all I would like to thank you in advance for your support.

This personal statement is for applying to business school at a University in the U.K.
In the personal statement I have to explain why I wish to study the course for which I am applying and why I am suitable for this course.

Please let me know any suggestions or modifications you think I should make.

Best regards.
Benito Miranda
-----------------------------------------------------------

City, State. July 10 2009

University of XXXXX.
XXXXX Business School.

Personal Statement.

To whom it may concern:

I have always believed that the people who keep preparing themselves and look for opportunities to improve are the ones to succeed. I also believe that in order to succeed an individual has to have goals and motivation.

Studying a master degree in a foreign country has always been one of my personal goals. I don’t remember anyone ever putting this idea in my head. There is no doubt in my mind that a key point for me, when looking for opportunities to study abroad, was to study in a country that was well recognized for it’s educational background and for having an interesting culture. This way I would be able to have a fulfilling experience both personal and academically.

Another reason is the international experience I will be able to obtain, which is valued by most companies worldwide. In this global economy, companies now have offices all over the world. One of the main characteristics a person working for this kind of companies must have, is the ability to work and build relationships with people from different nationalities and backgrounds. I don’t think of a better experience to achieve this goal than studying abroad and living the experience 24/7.

XXXX, the city in which I was born and raised is known for being the industrial city in COUNTRY. The tough and competitive job market in this city also motivates me to further my knowledge and experience. Especially now that international companies are establishing and making business in the area of CITY, due to it’s location with the U.S.A.

In regards to my professional experience, I am currently working for a Japanese company called COMPANY NAME. As a Quality Engineer I have been challenged many times. I have been working at COMPANY NAME for about a month when my supervisor told me he had to travel out of the country and asked me to present a warranty performance report to management. To be completely honest I panicked at first since this was the first time I had to do something like this; but I did it any way. I knew I was capable of doing this and took this opportunity as a personal challenge and as an opportunity to learn.

It was at COMPANY NAME that I first heard about quality circles, 5S’s, ISO audits and Six Sigma procedures. There is one moment in particular that I am really proud of. On May 2008 four of my co-workers and I were participating at CUSTOMER NAME’s North America Quality Circles Convention in Ontario Canada and my team, XXXX’s Road Warriors, won the 1st place at this competition. The reason I am proud of this is that we were the first team from COMPANY NAME to win the 1st place at this event and even more because none of the members had ever participated in a quality circles competition before.

I knew it was going to be hard, especially because first we had to win COMPANY NAME’s internal competition but like I mentioned before I truly believe that in order to succeed a person has to have goals and motivation. From day one my teammates and I established our goal, to win CUSTOMER NAME’s competition. On a personal level, what motivated me was not only the opportunity to participate on an international event and share this experience with my friends but also that I was going to be able to travel to Canada and see the Niagara Falls. Something that I have been wanting to do since I was a little kid.

The prize for winning this event was a one-week trip to CITY, STATE to visit CUSTOMERS NAME’s automobile and motorcycle manufacturing plants. During this week I met people from Canada, U.S.A., China, Malaysia, Thailand and Mexico. It is amazing how far one can go when things are done with heart and effort.

Personally my desire for studying the MSc in International Logistics and Supply Chain Management is my interest in areas such as purchasing, forecasting and production planning. I have a particular interest in supplier development in the area of purchasing. I believe that the experience obtained from my current job, in areas related to industrial engineering such as quality, productivity and manufacturing systems, coped with the skills and knowledge that I will obtain from this degree will provide me the necessary skills and knowledge to perform successfully in these areas. Eventually, I would also like to give classes in these areas at a University to give something back to my community

I consider myself an easygoing person who likes to draw, play guitar and exercise. I also enjoy going out with my friends to movie theaters or bowling. I am a person with strong family ties and I know that being away from my family for all this time will be hard, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to take. I am glad that I have all their support and confidence in me to pursue this goal.

I would like to thank you for the time you have investing in reading this personal statement and I am looking forward for this opportunity.


Yours sincerely,
Name Surname.

[Searching for language]

Originally Posted by Benno1323

Hello, first of all I would like to thank you in advance for your support.

This personal statement is for applying to business school at a University in the U.K.
In the personal statement I have to explain why I wish to study the course for which I am applying and why I am suitable for this course.

Please let me know any suggestions or modifications you think I should make.

Best regards.
Benito Miranda
-----------------------------------------------------------

City, State. July 10 2009

University of XXXXX.
XXXXX Business School.

Personal Statement.

To whom it may concern:

I have always believed that the people who keep preparing themselves and look for opportunities to improve are the ones to succeed. I also believe that in order to succeed an individual has to have goals and motivation.

Studying a master degree in a foreign country has always been one of my personal goals. I don’t remember anyone ever putting this idea in my head. There is no doubt in my mind that a key point for me, when looking for opportunities to study abroad, was to study in a country that was well recognized for it’s its (apostrophe not reqired here.) educational background and for having an interesting culture. This way I would be able to have a fulfilling experience both personal and academically.

Another reason is the international experience I will be able to obtain, which is valued by most companies worldwide. In this global economy, companies now have offices all over the world. One of the main characteristics a person working for this kind of companies must have, is the ability to work and build relationships with people from different nationalities and backgrounds. I don’t can't think of a better experience to achieve this goal than studying abroad and living the experience
24/7. To say 24/7 is possibly a bit too casual. I would say "on a daily basis."

XXXX, the city in which I was born and raised is known for being the industrial city in COUNTRY. The tough and competitive job market in this city also motivates me to further my knowledge and experience. Especially now that international companies are establishing and making business in the area of CITY, due to it’s its (remember it's is always a contraction of it is.)location with the U.S.A.

In regards to my professional experience, I am currently working for a Japanese company called COMPANY NAME. As a Quality Engineer I have been challenged many times. I have had been working at COMPANY NAME for about a month when my supervisor told me he had to travel out of the country and asked me to present a warranty performance report to management. To be completely honest I panicked at first since this was the first time I had to do something like this; but I did it any way. I knew I was capable of doing this and took this opportunity as a personal challenge and as an opportunity to learn.

It was at COMPANY NAME that I first heard about quality circles, 5S’s, ISO audits and Six Sigma procedures. There is one moment in particular that I am really proud of. On May 2008 four of my co-workers and I were participating at CUSTOMER NAME’s North America Quality Circles Convention in Ontario Canada and my team, XXXX’s Road Warriors, won the 1st place at this competition. The reason I am proud of this is that we were the first team from COMPANY NAME to win the 1st place at this event and even more because none of the members had ever participated in a quality circles competition before.

I knew it was going to be hard, especially because first we had to win COMPANY NAME’s internal competition but like I mentioned before I truly believe that in order to succeed a person has to have goals and motivation. From day one my teammates and I established our goal, to win CUSTOMER NAME’s competition. On a personal level, what motivated me was not only the opportunity to participate on an international event and share this experience with my friends but also that I was going to be able to travel to Canada and see the Niagara Falls, something that I have been wanting to do since I was a little kid.

The prize for winning this event was a one-week trip to CITY, STATE to visit CUSTOMERS NAME’s automobile and motorcycle manufacturing plants. During this week I met people from Canada, U.S.A., China, Malaysia, Thailand and Mexico. It is amazing how far one can go when things are done with heart and effort.

Personally my desire for studying the MSc in International Logistics and Supply Chain Management is my interest in areas such as purchasing, forecasting and production planning. I have a particular interest in supplier development in the area of purchasing. I believe that the experience obtained from my current job, in areas related to industrial engineering such as quality, productivity and manufacturing systems, coped (together with would be better.) with the skills and knowledge that I will obtain from this degree will provide me the necessary skills and knowledge to perform successfully in these areas. Eventually, I would also like to give classes in these areas at a University to give something back to my community

I consider myself an easygoing person who likes to draw, play guitar and exercise. I also enjoy going out with my friends to movie theaters or bowling. I am a person with strong family ties and I know that being away from my family for all this time will be hard, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to take. I am glad that I have all their support and confidence in me to pursue this goal.

I would like to thank you for the time you have investing invested in reading this personal statement and I am looking forward for this opportunity.


Yours sincerely,
Name Surname.

Good letter with just a few minor mistakes. Good luck!

I am not a teacher.

[Benno1323]

Hi, thank you so much for your correcting my errors.

I really appreciated it.


Any one else that can provide any comments please let me know as I am going to send this letter monday morning.


Thanks again!!