Writing Part 1 (from "Unit 22 Grammar for FCE")

[elvis93]

Good afternoon guys!
Could you please correct me this letter and tell me if it's good enough for FCE?(level B2)

This is the task: Last weekend you went to Northwold for a short winter break.When you arrived you discovered that a number of the town'attractions were not available.Your travel agent had not warned you about this.Look at the information in the brochure and the notes you made and write to the travel agent,telling him why your weekend was not as enjoyable as you had hoped and asking for compensation.


Write a letter in 120-180 words in an appropriate style. Do not write any addresses.

Dear Tom,
I'm writing to you because I want you to know how I spent my holiday in Northwold as you advised me.
Firstly,I must say that the Star Hotel you told me about was very efficient and enjoyable.Both the rooms and the restaurant were excellent.
However,the brochure said that the hill top castle and the winding street were amazing but the castle closed for weekend so I hadn't had the opportunity to visiting it.That was quite disappointing!
Furthermore,I would like to add that The Festival Theatre,which I was really looking forward to visiting, opens only in summer.
Moreover, you should have warned me that most antique shops and both of the art galleries were closed and this fact annoyed me very much.
Lastly, I want to complain also about the open-air swimming pool which was completely unapproachable beacause the climate was absolutely freezing.
As the result of my complaints, I think there should be due to me at least 50% of the amount of money I've paid to your travel agency.


Yours sincerely,
Elvis

[billmcd]

A few suggestions:

Dear Tom,
I'm writing to you because I want you to know how I spent my holiday in Northwold as you had advised me.
Firstly,I must say that the Star Hotel you told me about was very efficient and enjoyable and the staff was very efficient (an object [such as a hotel] can't be 'efficient'). Both the rooms and the restaurant were excellent.
However,the brochure said that the hill top castle and the winding street were amazing but the castle closed (or was closed) for the weekend, so I hadn't had didn't have the opportunity to visiting it.That was quite disappointing!
Furthermore,I would like to add that The Festival Theatre,which I was really looking forward to visiting, opens only in summer.
Moreover, you should have warned me that most antique shops and both of the art galleries were closed and this fact annoyed me very much.
Lastly (or Finally), I want to complain also about the open-air swimming pool which was completely unapproachable beacause the climate was absolutely freezing.
As the result of my complaints and inconvenience, I think there should be due to me at least 50% of the amount of money I've paid to your travel agency.


Yours sincerely,
Elvis

[elvis93]

Thank You very much Bill.
Fortunately I made fewer mistakes than the other letter you checked. :D

[billmcd]

Thank You very much Bill.
Fortunately I made fewer mistakes than the other letter you checked. :D

Nice work!!

[Manaus]

I would question the use of Dear Tom and suggest a more formal salutation.