Please help proof read my letter of motivation

[cyberbrain]

Hi all,

I am new to this forum. I'm applying for a Master course in Europe and would be glad if someone here can help revise the letter of motivation for me.
Many thanks,

Dear Sir or Madam,


I am writing to express my great interest in your (program). I believe that my educational background and experience will make me a competitive candidate to contribute to your programme.


During my secondary school, feeling the inconvenience of copying files between two computers using floppy disks, I was trying to establish a simple file sharing application. I connected the computers using null-modem cable, executed the necessary programme, and exclaimed joyfully while watching a group of files being transferred from one computer to the other. That small success sparked my attraction to computer network, and I envisaged a larger scale one with many more useful applications in the future. Later in my school days, I was introduced to the Internet. Its plethora of applications have amplified my interest in Networking areas, and made my choice of further study an obvious one.


In 2005, I was admitted to (university), one of the most prestigious universities in (country). Following the path I had predetermined, I chose Telecommunications as my major. During five years of undergraduate study, I excelled in most of the courses. In recognition of my consistent excellence, I was honoured with many awards and scholarships for consecutive years and was the top-ranked student in the faculty after graduation.


Also in my undergraduate years, I have taken every opportunity to hone my research skills and enrich my research experience. Besides paying careful attention to my assignments, I joined the Student Research Club and followed my research interest by working on many Networking and security related projects. In 2009, I successfully implemented an Internet control module using MCU-based board, part of a larger Smart Home project. Later that year, after studying various information hiding and encrypting algorithms and their applications to networks security, I applied them to SIP sessions in a small scale VOIP system. Above all, the project of designing and deploying a network of secured RFID readers has earned me the First prize in the Student's Scientific Research 2010, a highly competitive competition in my university.


Keen on exploring the networking field, I have worked as an intern at (company). During the internship, I have been involved in many projects which brings me valuable insights into the importance of security in large scale networks. I have learnt of different types of attacks and the protection against them. I have also noticed that a single vulnerability can cause serious damage to the whole network. Network security is a growing concern and I feel excited about the potential for new research in this area.


The (program) fits my interest perfectly with its esteemed universities, advanced courses, and first-rate facilities. The detailed study program completely matches my academic pursuit. My long-term objective upon completion of my master's degree is to obtain a PhD degree in Computer Science and to work as a networking expert in a R&D corporation. To achieve that goal, however, I must improve my research methodology and skills to prepare for the challenges of a PhD programme. Therefore, I consider your master program a vital step towards my career success. Moreover, studying at (country) is a precious opportunity for me to learn about different cultures.


Lastly, I hope that the combination of my experience, education, and motivation will help me contribute to the excellence and diversity of your advanced programme. I know that I do not only study about network security but I also have chance to immerse myself in another network - a network of inspiration scholars and excellent students all over the world.


Thank you for your consideration. I am looking forward to your positive reply.


Yours faithfully,

[cyberbrain]

Please help... :(

[Gillnetter]

Hi all,

I am new to this forum. I'm applying for a Master course in Europe and would be glad if someone here can help revise the letter of motivation for me.
Many thanks,

Dear Sir or Madam,


I am writing to express my great interest in your (program). I believe that my educational background and experience will makes me a competitive candidate and one who can contribute to your programme. (Why do you spell "program" one time and "programme" another time?)


During my While at secondary school, feeling the inconvenience of copying files between two computers using floppy disks, I was trying to establish a simple file sharing application. I connected the computers using a null-modem cable, executed the necessary programme, and exclaimed joyfully while watching a group of files being transferred from one computer to the other. That small success sparked my attraction to computer networks, and I envisaged envisioned a larger scale one with many more useful applications in the future. Later in my school days, I was introduced to the Internet. Its plethora of applications have amplified my interest in networking areas, and made my choice of further study an obvious one.


In 2005, I was admitted to (university), one of the most prestigious universities in (country). Following the path I had predetermined, I chose Telecommunications as my major. During five years of undergraduate study, I excelled in most of the courses. In recognition of my consistent excellence, I was honoured with many awards and scholarships for consecutive years and was the top-ranked student in the faculty after graduation.


Also in my undergraduate years, I have taken took every opportunity to hone my research skills and enrich my research experience. Besides paying careful attention to my assignments, I joined the Student Research Club and followed my research interest by working on many networking and security related projects. In 2009, I successfully implemented an Internet control module using MCU-based board, part of a larger Smart Home project. Later that year, after studying various information hiding and encrypting algorithms and their applications to networks security, I applied them to SIP sessions in a small scale VOIP system. Above all, the project of designing and deploying a network of secured RFID readers has earned me the first prize in the Student's Scientific Research 2010, a highly competitive competition in at my university.
(I suppose it is acceptable to use such terms as MCU, SIP and RFID as long as the reader will know what they mean. To sell a house in California it is required that the agent secure a signed SA, a TDS, 14 varied disclosures, a signed copy of the Patroit Act, two LAN's, a number of local disclosures and at least two copies of AID. All of which is to say - do not assume that people understand these short titles.)

Keen on exploring the networking field, I have worked as an intern at (company). During the internship, I have been was involved in many projects which brings gave me valuable insights into the importance of security in large scale networks. I have learnt of different types of attacks and the protection against them. I have also noticed that a single vulnerability can cause serious damage to the whole network. Network security is a growing concern and I feel excited about the potential for new research in this area.


The (program) fits my interest perfectly with its esteemed universities, advanced courses, and first-rate facilities. The detailed study program completely matches my academic pursuit. My long-term objective upon completion of my master's degree is to obtain a PhD degree in Computer Science and to work as a networking expert in a R&D corporation. To achieve that goal, however, I must improve my research methodology and skills to prepare for the challenges of a PhD programme. Therefore, I consider your master program a vital step towards my career success. Moreover, studying at (country) is a precious opportunity for me to learn about different cultures.


Lastly, I hope that the combination of my experience, education, and motivation will help me contribute to the excellence and diversity of your advanced programme. I know that I do will not only study about network security but I also will have a chance to immerse myself in another network - a network of inspiration inspired scholars and excellent students from all over the world.


Thank you for your consideration. I am looking forward to your positive reply.


Yours faithfully,

Try to pay attention to the tenses.