Please check my letter

[ziawj2]

Last week I set an assignment on writing a letter of thanks(EILTS, 2009-02-01). The letter is based on the following situation:
You organized for a relative a 90th birthday party in a hotel, many elderly guests attended this party which is of great success. Write a letter to thank the hotel manager. In your letter.1). give the details of the party2). the reason why the party so successful3).mention a stuff helped you a lot/ helps provided by a stuff of hote.
I also wrote the letter to demonstrate the process of writing: outline, draft, diction, types of sentences, logical structure, etc.for my students.
But I always think some expressions are Chinglish, and I am not sure whether the style is consistent or not.
Could you help me correct it? Thanks!

Dear Mr. Smith,
On the second floor of your hotel, we threw a huge birthday pary for my ninety-year-old grandpa on Saturday, October 15..
Through your stuff's effort, the party was extremely successful. the food you served, especially the main course, roast lamb, is a good choice for elderly guests, and the dessert, Tiramisu, is children's favorite. In addition, the emcee you provided was great for he could bring guests back to the precious memories as well as tell funny stories about my grandpa.He created an emotional, relaxed atmosphere for the party. Besides, the first-class service you offered was also a key to the success of the party. The waitors all the time walked around the hall without a rest to meet every guest's need, offering wine, plates, etc.
Lastly, I perticularly give my thanks to a stuff, Mr. Black, for his big help. He hit on many brilliant ideas about the organization of the party, including decorating the hall, presenting my grandpa's old pictures and inviting surpriting guests to bring the party to a climax. Please convey to him my deep appreciation and thanks for what he did.
Yours sincerely,
Zia

[5jj]

Please stop cluttering up this forum by repeatedly posting the same message. This is the third time you have posted this - the second time today!

I realise you must be disappointed that nobody has helped you, but volunteers often do not have the time for proof-reading and correction,

[ziawj2]

Please stop cluttering up this forum by repeatedly posting the same message. This is the third time you have posted this - the second time today!

I realise you must be disappointed that nobody has helped you, but volunteers often do not have the time for proof-reading and correction,

[Vmalcom]

Hi Zay. I am not an English teacher nor a native speaker, however, I have corrected the letter based on my feeling what sounds wrong.

Advice:
1. Always check the grammar in Microsoft world or other application with a spell checker.
2. Avoid phrases that are used in every day language in a formal letters.

Corrections:
Dear Mr. Smith,

By this letter I would like to thank you for a fantastic party that we hold for my ninety-year-old grandfather on Saturday, October 15.

Through your stuff's effort, the party was extremely successful. The food you served was great. I would like to mention that the main course, roast lamb, is a good choice for elderly guests, and the dessert, Tiramisu, is children's favorite. In addition, the emcee you provided was great for he could bring guests back to the precious memories as well as tell funny stories about my grandfather. He created an emotional, relaxed atmosphere for the party. Besides, the first-class service you offered was also a key to the success of the party. The waiters walked all the time around the hall without a rest to meet every guest's need, offering wine, plates, and services.

Lastly, I would like particularly give my thanks to a stuff, Mr. Black, for his big help. He came up with many brilliant ideas about the organization of the party, including decorating the hall, presenting my grandfather's old pictures and inviting surprising guests to bring the party to a climax. Please convey to him my deep appreciation and thanks for what he did.

Yours sincerely,
Zia

[ziawj2]

Hi Zay. I am not an English teacher nor a native speaker, however, I have corrected the letter based on my feeling what sounds wrong.

Advice:
1. Always check the grammar in Microsoft world or other application with a spell checker.
2. Avoid phrases that are used in every day language in a formal letters.

Corrections:
Dear Mr. Smith,

By this letter I would like to thank you for a fantastic party that we hold for my ninety-year-old grandfather on Saturday, October 15.

Through your stuff's effort, the party was extremely successful. The food you served was great. I would like to mention that the main course, roast lamb, is a good choice for elderly guests, and the dessert, Tiramisu, is children's favorite. In addition, the emcee you provided was great for he could bring guests back to the precious memories as well as tell funny stories about my grandfather. He created an emotional, relaxed atmosphere for the party. Besides, the first-class service you offered was also a key to the success of the party. The waiters walked all the time around the hall without a rest to meet every guest's need, offering wine, plates, and services.

Lastly, I would like particularly give my thanks to a stuff, Mr. Black, for his big help. He came up with many brilliant ideas about the organization of the party, including decorating the hall, presenting my grandfather's old pictures and inviting surprising guests to bring the party to a climax. Please convey to him my deep appreciation and thanks for what he did.

Yours sincerely,
Zia

Thanks!