a letter of request (for a sponsor)

[Machboos]

Hello my teachers. Can you check this letter for me plz. It is a letter of request to a sponsor to have one of the sponsored events in their site.



Dear Mr. Khalid Ali

We would like to show our gratefulness and appreciation for QD sponsorship for summer activities 2008 for QSN
We also like to inform you about the Ending Ceremony, in which we will honor all volunteers for summer activities; in addition to honoring all sponsors for the last six months including QD. Representatives of different sectors and organizations will also be invited to the ceremony.
We are aiming to make this ceremony a social sitting event. This will create a strong relationship between your organization and our Alumni. Hence, we are formally requesting this ceremony to be at QD site.
The ceremony will start at 5:00 PM and end at 8:00. We are also planning to have speakers and presentations in the ceremony; hence, we would like you to provide the ceremony with a projector, screen, microphones and wireless connection. We are targeting 100 guests.

I would like to thank you again for all your support and would appreciate knowing your response by calling on 555555

yours,
Abdulla Hassan

[RonBee]

Say:

We would like to show our gratitude and appreciation for Qatari Diar' sponsorship for summer activities 2008 for Qatari Student Network.

[Machboos]

Thanks

any other comments?

[Machboos]

Which one is more formal and right in english:

The ceremony will start at 5:00 PM and end at 8:00. We are also planning to have speakers and presentations in the ceremony; hence, we would like you to provide the ceremony with a projector, screen, microphones and wireless connection. We are targeting 100 guests.


OR:


The ceremony will start at 5:00 PM and end at 8:00. We are also planning to have speakers and presentations in the ceremony; hence, want to know the possibility of providing a projector, screen, microphones and wireless connection. We are targeting 100 guests.

[RonBee]

Which one is more formal and right in english:

The ceremony will start at 5:00 PM and end at 8:00. We are also planning to have speakers and presentations in the ceremony; hence, we would like you to provide the ceremony with a projector, screen, microphones and wireless connection. We are targeting 100 guests.


OR:


The ceremony will start at 5:00 PM and end at 8:00. We are also planning to have speakers and presentations in the ceremony; hence, want to know the possibility of providing a projector, screen, microphones and wireless connection. We are targeting 100 guests.

The second one is better, but it could be improved upon. Perhaps:

The ceremony will start at 5:00 PM and end at 8:00 PM. We are also planning to have speakers and presentations in the ceremony. Therefore, we want to know if we can set up a projector, screen, microphones and wireless connection. We are expecting 100 guests.

What do you think?

[RonBee]

Or:

The ceremony will start at 5:00 PM and end at 8:00 PM. We are also planning to have speakers and presentations in the ceremony. Therefore, we want to know if you can provide a projector, screen, microphones and wireless connection. We are expecting 100 guests.

[RonBee]

Dear Mr. Khalid Ali

We would like to show our gratefulness and appreciation for QD sponsorship for summer activities 2008 for QSN.
We also like to inform you about the Ending Ceremony, in which we will honor all volunteers for summer activities; in addition to honoring all sponsors for the last six months including QD. Representatives of different sectors and organizations will also be invited to the ceremony.
We are aiming to make this ceremony a social sitting event. This will create a strong relationship between your organization and our alumni. Hence, we are formally requesting this ceremony to be at QD site.

Delete semicolon between activities and in.

We're finished.

[Machboos]

The second one is better, but it could be improved upon. Perhaps:

The ceremony will start at 5:00 PM and end at 8:00 PM. We are also planning to have speakers and presentations in the ceremony. Therefore, we want to know if we can set up a projector, screen, microphones and wireless connection. We are expecting 100 guests.

What do you think?

i think this is better, but does it imply that i want them to provide us with the equipment?

[RonBee]

I think this is better, but does it imply that I want them to provide us with the equipment?

Didn't you see my alternative, thus:

The ceremony will start at 5:00 PM and end at 8:00 PM. We are also planning to have speakers and presentations in the ceremony. Therefore, we want to know if you can provide a projector, screen, microphones and wireless connection. We are expecting 100 guests.