Please correct my letter

[skateskate]

5 Hollaanstraat
Moeskroen,8500

May 15,2008



Dear Principal,

I received your memo with the attachments and I will surely inform you about everything.
Last year’s end-of-term activity was nice but we can improve it. The activity that took place then was an indoor party in the afternoon without any meal and we had a limited budget.

This year the students were interrogated and I see that you attached the results of it too.
I see that most of the students would like to organise an outdoor party in the evening with a hot meal.

In my opinion,the attachments are useful. I recommend Forest Manor country Park.
There is a barbecue,disco and swimming pool. I can assure you that the students would like that. The other two are also good but the students would prefer this.

We also want to have a stage so we can perform acts.
As we want to have a bigger party,we will also need a bigger budget.
Could we please get some financial help from you?
We would really appreciate if you would be able to assist us.

This is my suggestion for this year’s end-of-term activity.
I hope you like the proposal that I made and I am sure we will love the activity.


Sincerely

Axel *******

[David L.]

In order to help you with this, is the letter written by a primary school pupil or a high school student?

[skateskate]

Originally Posted by David L.

In order to help you with this, is the letter written by a primary school pupil or a high school student?

It's written by a high school student.

[David L.]

I confess that I was being a little devious, to find out your age. I take it then, that it is your letter, and that you are a teenager; and that you are 151/2 or above. Hence, I will respond as to how you should respond in your letter as a responsible adult-in-the-making.
Just give me 24 hours.

[David L.]

(I will assume that you are writing to the principal as a student of the high school at which last year a student event was organized; and that feedback from this – OR – that the student body has recently been surveyed for suggestions for this year's event- has been forwarded to you as the organizer of this year’s party. I think it more appropriate that you do not write the letter as an ‘outsider’, but as a student, and use your class/form as your address:)

Form 5B
Moeskroen High School

May 15,2008

Mr. J. P. Smith, Principal
Moeskroen High School

Dear Principal
(Note that the modern trend is no longer to use commas in the address and salutation of a letter)


I received your memo with the attachments : this is very matter-of-fact and a little ‘cold’. He has forwarded feedback about the event, and he should be thanked.

Thank you for providing the survey information regarding last year’s end-of-term party.

OR
Thank you for providing the survey information regarding the suggestions put forward by the student body for this year’s end-of-term party.
(Whichever of the above you use, follow straight on with:
This has been most helpful in its guidance as we now contemplate organizing the most enjoyable occasion possible for this end-of-term. .

As you know, the party last year was held indoors, and the limited budget did not permit the provision of other than cold food. I note with great interest that most students would prefer that this occasion be an outdoor evening affair, and for catering to include hot food.

Of the three venues for this as suggested in the student survey, all have facilities to commend them. However, with its barbecue, disco, and swimming pool, my recommendation would be Forest Manor Country Park; and I assure you, students would respond most favourably if this venue was to be proposed.

I do wish to advise, however, that such a more elaborate event would necessitate a bigger budget, particularly as we would also wish to have a stage for performances.

Hence, I now write seeking your assistance in this matter, and do hope that you can foresee some way in which the budget provided might extend to permit implementation of these ideas. I make this request with my full assurance to you as Principal of our school, that the monies will be used wisely to deliver a memorable occasion for us all.


Yours sincerely

Axel *******


If other posters think that perhaps it is not how a high school student would write/speak, please offer alternatives: I'm sure Alex would welcome all suggestions.

[David L.]

Alex:
Note how I tried to organize your ideas so that your letter leads up to -and tries to show in a convincing way - why...why you are requesting a bigger budget; and how the letter 'flows' more, rather than the short sentences you wrote for the conclusion.

Note also, that it is more usual to state the purpose of your letter - the request for a bigger budget - at the start of a formal letter of request, so that the person immediately sees the nature and purpose of your letter. However, you can get away with giving more the impression of a letter of thanks at the start; then spell out the inevitable conclusions to be drawn from the results of the survey that he - he - forwarded to you for your information....and then hit him for bigger bucks!