I'd appreciate it if you correct my letter of application (FCE writing)

[Twisted_Illusion]

Could you please check this and make a brief comment on it :S ?


Dear Mr. Smith ,
I am writing in response to your request for part-time waiters, which appears in this week’s publication of the local newspaper
As you can see from my curriculum vitae, I have a great deal of experience. I worked as a bartender at a wonderful maritime restaurant but I relinquished it in quest of more exciting challenges.
In my opinion your job embodies my interests and requirements.
In my previous experience of this type of job I proved myself to be a person of politeness and receptivity. Besides I have adopted a positive and cautious approach to people and learned how to show a great deal of patience. My decisiveness is another good quality which will hopefully help me work under pressure and split-second decisions might not be a great deal.
As concerns my knowledge of foreign languages I am familiar with English and French and I have some knowledge of Russian, too. Furthermore, I have signed up for a three-month German course which will hopefully help me do the job.
As for my hours of work I am ready to work flexible hours and I think they would suit me perfectly considering that I have educational responsibilities, too.
I hope you will take into account my burning ambition to become a member of you staff.
I am available for an interview at your convenience, so do not hesitate to call me. I appreciate your attention and I thank you in advance for your consideration.
I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,
George Zdravchev

[MACEDONIAN]

I think you should shorthen the ending ..

[Raymott]

Originally Posted by twisted_illusion

could you please check this and make a brief comment on it :s ?

Dear mr. Smith ,
i am writing in response to your request for part-time waiters, which appears in this week’s publication of the local newspaper
as you can see from my curriculum vitae, i have a great deal of experience. I worked as a bartender at a wonderful maritime restaurant but i relinquished it in quest of more exciting challenges.
i'd leave out this last clause. Why tell them you're going to leave as soon as you get bored. I'd stop reading here if i were a potential employer.

in my opinion your job embodies my interests and requirements.
In my previous experience of this type of job i proved myself to be a person of politeness and receptivity. Besides i have adopted a positive and cautious approach to people and learned how to show a great deal of patience. My decisiveness is another good quality which will hopefully help me work under pressure and split-second decisions might not be a great deal.
you make yourself sound far too self-serving to be a waiter.
if you have references, let them do the praising. I'd prefer to hear about your past work experience. Tell them how much you loved your previous waiting jobs.

split-second decisions might not be a great deal
you don't sound too sure.

as concerns my knowledge of foreign languages i am familiar with english and french and i have some knowledge of russian, too. Furthermore, i have signed up for a three-month german course which will hopefully help me do the job.
you probably should state what your first language is, or at least one language that you are fluent in. "being familiar" with a language doesn't tell much.

as for my hours of work i am ready to work flexible hours and i think they would suit me perfectly considering that i have educational responsibilities, too.
ok, so if you don't quit when you're bored, you'll leave at exam time.
again, i'd leave this out.

i hope you will take into account my burning ambition to become a member of you staff.
yeah sure.

i am available for an interview at your convenience, so do not hesitate to call me. I appreciate your attention and i thank you in advance for your consideration.
you don't have to thank people in advance.

i am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,
george zdravchev

r.