Please help me correct my admisson letter

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I would appreciate any help to correct this motivation latter. It's Urgent. The universities start in September.

Here is the Letter:



Dear sir /madam,


I am XXX XXX(name) and writing this letter to request for admission to your University. To introduce myself, I was born in XX (country), (XXX) town in Jan.27, 1985. My family left to XXX (town) few years after my birth. I finished my primary school in XXX( town) . Due to absence of junior secondary and high school in (XXX) town, I moved to (XXX) town where I finished my High school.


I followed my entire junior secondary and high school in English. Since my primary school till I finished my high school I maintained good results and I stayed consistent academically and earned good grades in XXX (country) school leaving certificate exam which could enable me to join university.


My parents gave all they had for my academic success and we viewed school as springboard to good career. I was ambitious and determined to pursue academic achievements. But before the fulfilment of my vision I had to leave the country owing to war of 1998-2000 in the region, I could not join the university.


Now I am naturalized citizen and looking forward to accomplishment of the vision that I had and believing and hoping to join University of Utrecht. In order to become someone in this organized society, I know the importance of improved communication skills. Being a successful communication manager is the motivation my study. Besides, I am open to new ideas, alternative thinking and have passion to communication.


I believe this programme will clear my path and will become a springboard to step towards my goal. I will work hard and surelyfinish my bachelor degree with agood result if I can get this opportunity. Later on, I plan to continue my masters degree in the same field. I am highly aware of the superb reputation of your school and I hope you will give me the privilege of admission to your institution.




Yours sincerely,




Bolte Tontona

[sarat_106]

Dear sir /madam,

The purpose of (I am xxxxx (name) and) writing this letter is to request for admission to your University. I like to introduce myself, as xxxx(name), a xxx year old young man having been born (I was born in XX (country), (XXX) town in) on Jan.27, 1985, at xxxx(town) in xxxx(country). My family left (to) XXX (town)a few years after my birth. I finished my primary school studiesat (in) XXX( town) . Due to absence of junior secondary and high school in (XXX) town, I moved to (XXX) town where I finished my High school studies.

I had studied (followed) my entire junior secondary and high school in English. Starting from (Since my) primary school till completion of (I finished my) high school, I maintained a good track record (results) and remained (stayed) consistent academically while achieving (and earned) good grades in XXX (country) school leaving certificate exam which I was sure would (could) enable me to join university.

My parents have contributed a great deal to (gave all they had for) my academic success as they (and we) viewed school education as springboard to good career. I was ambitious and determined to pursue academic achievements. But (before the fulfilment of) my vision remained unfulfilled as I had to leave the country owing to war of 1998-2000 in the region, consequently I could not join the university.

Now I am naturalized citizen and looking forward to accomplish (hment of the) my dream/incomplete vision. As such, I have hope and belief of getting an opportunity( that I had and believing and hoping) to join University of Utrecht. In order to secure a place ( become someone) in this organized society, I can not afford to overlook (know) the importance of improved communication skills. To become a (Being) a successful communication manager is the motivating force behind my study. Besides, I am open to new ideas, alternative thinking apart from having a (and have) passion for (to) communication.

I believe this programme will clear my path and will become a springboard for marching (to step) towards my goal. I will work hard and surely finish my bachelor degree with a good result if I can get this opportunity. Later on, I plan to continue my masters degree in the same field. As I am highly aware of the superb reputation of your school, (and) I hope you will give me the privilege of admission to your institution.

Yours sincerely,

Bolte Tontona

Delete the words in brackets underlined. This letter after deletion of the words as suggested will look as below.

Dear sir /madam,

The purpose of writing this letter is to request for admission to your University. I like to introduce myself, as xxxx(name), a xxx year old young man having been born on Jan.27, 1985, at xxxx(town) in xxxx(country). My family left XXX (town)a few years after my birth. I finished my primary school studies at XXX( town) . Due to absence of junior secondary and high school in (XXX) town, I moved to (XXX) town where I finished my High school studies.

I had studied my entire junior secondary and high school in English. Starting from primary school till completion of high school, I maintained a good track record and remained consistent academically while achieving good grades in XXX (country) school leaving certificate exam which I was sure would enable me to join university.

My parents have contributed a great deal to my academic success as they viewed school education as springboard to good career. I was ambitious and determined to pursue academic achievements. But my vision remained unfulfilled as I had to leave the country owing to war of 1998-2000 in the region, consequently I could not join the university.

Now I am naturalized citizen and looking forward to accomplish my dream/incomplete vision. As such, I have hope and belief of getting an opportunity to join University of Utrecht. In order to secure a place in this organized society, I can not afford to overlook the importance of improved communication skills. To become a successful communication manager is the motivating force behind my study. Besides, I am open to new ideas, alternative thinking apart from having a passion for communication.

I believe this programme will clear my path and will become a springboard for marching towards my goal. I will work hard and surely finish my bachelor degree with a good result if I can get this opportunity. Later on, I plan to continue my masters degree in the same field. As I am highly aware of the superb reputation of your school, I hope you will give me the privilege of admission to your institution.


Yours sincerely,

Bolte Tontona

[tjansen]

[quo

Dear sir /madam,


I am XXX XXX(name) and am writing this letter to request (for) admission to your University. To introduce myself, I was born in XX (country), (XXX) town (in) on Jan.27, 1985. My family left (to) XXX (town) a few years after my birth. I finished my primary school in XXX( town) . Due to the absence of junior secondary and high school in (XXX) town [don't use the word 'town', just the name of the town], I moved to (XXX) town where I finished (my) High school.


I (followed) completed my entire junior secondary and high school in English. (Since my) From primary school (till I finished my) to the end of high school, I maintained good (results) grades, and I (stayed consistent academically) remained in good academic standing. [I don't know what the remainder of this paragraph means, nor what you mean by "leaving certificate"]and earned good grades in XXX (country) school leaving certificate exam which could enable me to join university.


My parents gave all they had for my academic success and we viewed school as a springboard to a good career. I was ambitious and determined to pursue academic achievements. But before the fulfillment of my vision I had to leave the country [owing to] because of the war of 1998-2000 in the region, and I could not join the university.


Now I am a naturalized citizen and am looking forward to the accomplishment of the vision that I had and believing and hoping to join the STOPPED EDITING HERE University of Utrecht. In order to become someone in this organized society, I know the importance of improved communication skills. Being a successful communication manager is the motivation my study. Besides, I am open to new ideas, alternative thinking and have passion to communication.


I believe this programme will clear my path and will become a springboard to step towards my goal. I will work hard and surelyfinish my bachelor degree with agood result if I can get this opportunity. Later on, I plan to continue my masters degree in the same field. I am highly aware of the superb reputation of your school and I hope you will give me the privilege of admission to your institution.




Yours sincerely,




Bolte Tontona

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Thank you very much for your help. Now it looks good letter. I am pleased with it.

Bolte Tontona