Could you please check my essay?

Status
Not open for further replies.

maildor

Member
Joined
Jan 18, 2017
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Arabic
Home Country
Morocco
Current Location
Morocco
For a long time art has been considered an essential part of all cultures in the world. However, nowadays people’s values have changed, and we tend to consider science, technology and business more important than arts.

What do you think are the causes of this?
What can be done to draw people’s attention to art?


Through the history, art was usually an important aspect for all civilisations, in contrary to our age where other fields considered more interesting such as science, technology and business, for several factors. Therefore I think both government and society should react to find solution for this problem.

As our life being more demanding financially, People being more and more interested to rewarding fields like science, technology and business, for instance an architect is highest paid than a simple painter or poet, and even have more respect, after the famous Picasso, we rarely hear about a painter in the same level, while everyone know about Steve jobs, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. which are also the role models for a lot of young people. So the money and the glory are the main causes way people prefer science and technology than art.

Therefore, I think that governments should react to this issue, to promote the awareness about the importance and the beauty of art, through the media and schools, organising rewarding art competition, take care of artistes and their financial situation, also parents should inform their children by the beauty of art.

In conclusion, I think that fame and money are the main reason why people prefer science technology and business than art, therefore both governments and civil society should cooperate to raise the awareness of the importance of art.
 

emsr2d2

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
British English
Home Country
UK
Current Location
UK
What are you going to do with this essay once it's ready?
 

maildor

Member
Joined
Jan 18, 2017
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Arabic
Home Country
Morocco
Current Location
Morocco

emsr2d2

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
British English
Home Country
UK
Current Location
UK
Hello emsr2d2, I just want to prepare for ​the [STRIKE]Eilts[/STRIKE] IELTS [STRIKE]exame[/STRIKE] exam.

Note my changes above.

I don't have time to deal with your whole essay now. However, I can tell you that you need to change the opening three words - "Through the history" is not natural.
 

maildor

Member
Joined
Jan 18, 2017
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Arabic
Home Country
Morocco
Current Location
Morocco
Note my changes above.

I don't have time to deal with your whole essay now. However, I can tell you that you need to change the opening three words - "Through the history" is not natural.

What about "Throughout history" ?
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top