[Essay] Help with short story

[tina1395]

Hi, I was wondering if someone could read over my short story that I wrote over the past couple of days and leave suggestions on how to improve? Greatly appreciated!

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The horizon stretches across my entire field of view in the most spectacular fashion. I see birds sailing overhead in the warm currents swept up by the sun’s rays. The palpitating pulse of the sea is steady and peaceful; the mesmeric beauty of its beat is heart-swelling. The rising sun looked so small in the distance, laminating mewith its warmth. I filled my lungs with the vivid air, crisp with salt. It was a beautiful day for a dive.

I stuffed a leg into my dive suit, pulled it up over my legs and placed my arms through the sleeves, zipping myself up. The suit was only there to keep me warm from the freezing temperature of the ocean. I wasn’t eager to dive into the cold ocean filled with critters I’d rather not encounter.

I knew that the mission wasn’t going to be the ones I normally went on. Most of the time, my missions were pretty basic; old treasures and the like. This time though, this was going to be something different. I’d gotten the reports already. No one had ever seen the Crown Jewels of England since it was stolen in 1216. However, there has recently been extensive research on the matter, and experts say that they are the bottom of the sea that my crew and I are on right now. This could be huge for me if I managed to retrieve the long lost treasure.

“Ready?” the captain called as I stuffed my head into a neoprene cap and squished my hair inside so it would fit.
“All suited up,” I replied. One of the crewmen pulled open the hatch door and handed me my oxygen tank. My stomach turned in anticipation. I stepped down slowly, as shouts of “All loaded up!” came from above. The door slammed shut in front of me. I heard the clank of the submarine’s coupling being released. The vehicle dropped into the water and began its descent. I started checking various gauges and measurements. I listened to the whir of my communication cable. Everything seemed to be going as planned, and he let out a breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding.

A while later the submersible kicked up a cloud of silt as it touched the bottom. I must’ve dived at a depth of at least 700 metres. I waited for a moment for it to settle and opened the hatch. I looked around. All I saw was some kind of rock or sediment at his feet and tiny fish swimming around. Confused, he swam around for a bit. The lost treasure was nowhere to be found.

I swam back to the submersible and opened m communication channel.
“Guys? It’s not here at all. I don’t see it anywhere”.

There was a spurt of static before the captain’s voice filled the cockpit.
“I know. I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean you know? And why are you sorry?”

There were a few moments of static followed by an abrupt silence. I flipped the transmission switch a few times.

Nothing.

“Hello?” I frantically said as I flipped the switch back and forth. My heart rate rose as the reality of the situation began to hit me. I pounded on the control panel and swore under my breath. “Hello? Captain? Anyone?”

The world went black, and no more sound came from the cockpit.

 

[Tdol]

I think you could reduce the number of adjectives in the opening. In paragraph three, you say Crown Jewels of England since it, but it should be they as it refers to the jewels.

 

[teechar]

The horizon stretches across my entire field of view in the most spectacular fashion. I see birds sailing overhead in the warm currents swept up by the sun’s rays. The palpitating pulse of the sea is steady and peaceful; the mesmeric beauty of its beat is heart-swelling. The rising sun looked so small in the distance, laminating me with its warmth. I filled my lungs with the vivid air, crisp with salt. It was a beautiful day for a dive.

I stuffed [STRIKE]a leg[/STRIKE] my feet into my dive suit, pulled it up over my legs and placed my arms through the sleeves, zipping [STRIKE]myself[/STRIKE] it up. The suit [STRIKE]was only there to[/STRIKE] would keep me warm from the freezing temperature of the ocean. I wasn’t eager to dive into the cold ocean filled with critters I’d rather not encounter.

I knew that the mission wasn’t going to be like the ones I normally went on. Most of the time, my missions were pretty basic; recovering old treasures and the like. This time, though, [STRIKE]this[/STRIKE] it was going to be something different. I’d gotten the reports already. No one had ever seen the Crown Jewels of England since [STRIKE]it was[/STRIKE] they were stolen in 1216. However, there has recently been extensive research [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] into the matter, and experts say that they are at the bottom of the sea that my crew and I are on right now. This could be huge for me if I managed to retrieve the long-lost treasure.

“Ready?” the captain called as I stuffed my head into a neoprene cap and squished my hair inside so it would fit.
“All suited up,” I replied. One of the crewmen pulled open the hatch door and handed me my oxygen tank. My stomach turned in anticipation. I stepped down slowly, as shouts of “All loaded up!” came from above. The door slammed shut in front of me. I heard the clank of the submarine’s coupling being released. The vehicle dropped into the water and began its descent. I started checking various gauges and measurements. I listened to the whir of my communication cable. Everything seemed to be going as planned, and he let out a breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding.

A while later, the submersible kicked up a cloud of silt as it touched the bottom. It must’ve dived [STRIKE]at[/STRIKE] to a depth of at least 700 metres. I waited [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] a moment for it to settle and opened the hatch. I looked around. All I saw was some kind of rock or sediment at [STRIKE]his[/STRIKE] my feet and tiny fish swimming around. Confused, [STRIKE]he[/STRIKE] I swam around for a bit. The lost treasure was nowhere to be found.

I swam back to the submersible and [STRIKE]opened[/STRIKE] tuned into my communication channel.
“Guys? It’s not here at all. I don’t see it anywhere”.

There was a spurt of static before the captain’s voice filled the cockpit.
“I know. I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean you know? And why are you sorry?”

There were a few moments of static followed by an abrupt silence. I flipped the transmission switch a few times.

Nothing.

“Hello?” I frantically said as I flipped the switch back and forth. My heart [STRIKE]rate rose[/STRIKE] started palpitating as the reality of the situation began to [STRIKE]hit[/STRIKE] dawn on me. I pounded on the control panel and swore under my breath. “Hello? Captain? Anyone?”

The world went black, and no more sound came from the cockpit.

.

 

[Rover_KE]

They're not the Crown Jewels of England.

Say the British Crown Jewels or the Crown Jewels of the United Kingdom.

 

[Bassim]

I am not a teacher.

The first three sentences are in the present and then comes the past. They should also be in the past.

 

[Tarheel]

Try:

The horizon stretched across....

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

I saw birds gliding on the updrafts.

 

[Tarheel]

Perhaps:

The sea was calm and peaceful.

 

[teechar]

Perhaps:

The sea eas calm and peaceful.

Typo.

 

[tina1395]

.

Thank you so much! You have helped a lot. :-D

 

[Tarheel]

I agree with Bassim that the first three sentences should be in the past tense. Also, birds fly, or they glide, or they soar, but I don't think they sail. (They also dive, especially when trying to catch prey.)

 

[Tarheel]

Thank you so much! You have helped a lot. :-D

Since you are a newbie you might not be familiar with the Thank or Like buttons. (Please note that I used the Thank button for teechar's post where he pointed out a typo for me.)