[General] Need some help/advice about a quick short story I wrote

Rippounet

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2021
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
French
Home Country
France
Current Location
France
Hello, I am an aspiring writer from France and even though I could satisfy myself by writing stories in my own tongue, I would love to be able to write them in both English and French. Self taught, it has been a year since I am learning the language and only couple of months of writing. I am eager to improve myself in any way possible, so, if you are willing to spend couple of minutes of your time to read and share your knowledge with me, I would greatly appreciate it.

Here the text I wrote:

BY MY BEDSIDE (2021)
I do not know what it was, but it was there, always staring at me by my bedside once everybody was asleep.

When I was a youngster, my mother used to visit me before bedtime to wish me good night with her passionate kiss on my little forehead; and each night, when she turned off the lights and closed my bedroom’s door, it always appeared at the foot of my creaky wooden bed. As far as I can remember, that entity half-leu half-human never tried anything against me nor to the members of my family. It usually stood there with its long and large prominent snout that could snuffled my fear and panic sweating out of my fragile little body when I dared to glance at it.

Completely terrorized the first time I saw it when I was only five years old, oftentimes I screamed at the top of my lungs for help, but in vain as I do not recall having sound coming out of my mouth. I cannot tell why, and in the finality of things, I have no need for an answer as the simple explanation of being dismayed each time I deeply stared into its monstrous big golden devilish eyes without eyelids was perfectly making sense; at least to me. I do not recall the hours I spent frozen under its avid gaze. With no one to rescue me from this nightmarish apparition, I always ended up lingering slowly down under my blanket with the thought that it might eventually vanish once sheltered of its keen interest towards me; but it did not, on the contrary.

Physically out of its sight, but inside of my head it already penetrated. I could saw its fangs, sharper than any blade, gleaming from an ethereal pale light as its deranged smile appeared on its gaping maw. This phantasmagorical vision of that unearthly smile was always so intense and clear that it given me headaches as if it was some kind of neuralgia. And as I was weeping and praying from my hidden nest, I always could feel above me the stifling warmth coming from its thick black fur and malodorous air, which to this day, I could not recognize. Those were the signs that the mysterious otherworldly entity was nourishing itself from my dread. My thoughts were racing. I could not think anymore except hearing its raspy breath resonating inside my head when, every time, I suddenly woke up just before dawn when the sun was only a white filament in the inky sky.

With time and years, the entity disappeared, but not evanesced as I can still feel it lurking in the back of my head when I ruminate at nightfall. I wonder why…Why when it comes back I can only see its silhouette in the dark, and feel an invisible hand squeezing my heart as if it wanted to extract something from it? Am I the repast of some unearthly beast? – I fear it might be that… Should I try to communicate with it? – I dare not do the latter even though my back is aching and my hair are graying a little more each passing morning.

To get rid of it is now futile. Weary in this chilly autumn, my only desire is to warm me up and plunge myself in a dull and eternal slumber by the hearth.
---

I hope you enjoyed it and hope that it was not too horrible for the eyes.
Rippounet,
 
Last edited:

Tdol

Editor, UsingEnglish.com
Staff member
Joined
Nov 13, 2002
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
British English
Home Country
UK
Current Location
Japan
I'd say cut down on the number of adjectives you use.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Say:

It's been a year since I started learning the language ....

And:

Please read and comment.

And:

Here is the text I wrote.

I doubt that the mother kissed her little boy passionately.

Delete some adjectives.

Back to bed!
:)
 

teechar

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Feb 18, 2015
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
English
Home Country
Iraq
Current Location
Iraq
Also, don't unnecessarily complicate your sentences. For example:
[STRIKE]Self taught, it has been[/STRIKE] I've been learning English for a year, and [STRIKE] since I am learning the language and only couple of months of[/STRIKE] writing in it for only a couple of months.

....
What does that mean?
 

Rippounet

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2021
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
French
Home Country
France
Current Location
France
Okay, it seems that I try too much and over-complicate my sentences.

A "leu" is an old French word for wolf.

Thank you again. :)
 

teechar

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Feb 18, 2015
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
English
Home Country
Iraq
Current Location
Iraq
Okay, it seems that I try too much and over-complicate my sentences.
Don't be discouraged by that. It's part of the learning experience.

A "leu" is an old French word for wolf.
It doesn't exist in English, but I suppose if your intended readership is familiar with French, then it's obviously okay.

Thank you again.
No worries, and you're welcome to post the revised version below if you wish.
 

Tarheel

VIP Member
Joined
Jun 16, 2014
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Try:

As far as I can remember, that creature -- half wolf and half human -- never tried to hurt either me or any member of my family.

That is no doubt true, since it was entirely imaginary. However, since it was imaginary it could have tried to hurt you. Imaginary creatures can do whatever they want to do.
:)
 

Rippounet

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2021
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
French
Home Country
France
Current Location
France
Try:

As far as I can remember, that creature -- half wolf and half human -- never tried to hurt either me or any member of my family.

That is no doubt true, since it was entirely imaginary. However, since it was imaginary it could have tried to hurt you. Imaginary creatures can do whatever they want to do.
:)

Oh yeah, with these dashes the punctuation is better, and the word "either" always slip my mind. Thanks for the example.
 
Top