I love humburger

toanhntm

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This is my eighth attempt to write in English. Please correct any mistakes that you find.

I love hamburger

Every summer, Tam and her family travels to DaLat. DaLat is one of the most beautiful city in the middle of Vietnam. The city is located in between hills and mountains. Actually, it is a small city. Everyone calls DaLat the city of the loving because it is a wonderful place for loving people to come.

Tam’s relative has a big house in DaLat and they are a big family, too. Every summer, all the members in her big family gather (together) at this big house. They meet, eat and talk each other. This is the tradition of the familly. Tam loves DaLat, but she doesn’t like eating hamburger. She doesn’t like the smell of hamburger.

When Tam arrives, she see a lot of familiar faces. Uncle Tuan and uncle Quan are playing chess together. Playing chess is their favorite, they can both play chess many hours without eating. Aunt Phuong and aunt Thung are cooking while aunt Giang are washing vegetable. Aunt Giang works for a five star hotel as a chef but she has got a pile of restaurant in the city. Aunt Phuong and aunt Thung are a office government.

There are five people talking each other in the garden. All of them are her cousin. Tam sees Linh standing near Ha. Ha has already had got three children. The youngest one is creaming. Then, the oldest one is creaming. Ha’s children are always creaming. Tam doesn’t really like children.

Then Tam sees an handsome man in the field. She stares at him. He caughts her stare. He smiles and walks up to her. Tam is nervous and embarrassed. She is nervous because the hansome man might be her cousin. When he approach her, he raises his hand and introduces himself Paul. Paul is a docdor. Ha’s child is ill so he is in here.

After Tam knows that Paul and Tam are not related. Tam is excited. Paul says “ Would you like to have a hamburger tonight?”. Tam joyful agree and says “I love humburger”.
 

emsr2d2

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Did you use "humburger" in your thread title (though not in the title of the essay) and in your final sentence because Tam (for some reason) can't say the word "ha​mburger" correctly?
 

Lynxear

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This is my eighth attempt to write in English. Please correct any mistakes that you find.

I love hamburger

Every summer, Tam and her family travels to DaLat. DaLat is one of the most beautiful city in the middle of Vietnam. The city is located in between hills and mountains. Actually, it is a small city. Everyone calls DaLat the city of the loving because it is a wonderful place for loving people to come.

Tam’s relative has a big house in DaLat and they are a big family, too. Every summer, all the members in her [STRIKE]big[/STRIKE] family gather [STRIKE](together)[/STRIKE] at this big house. They meet, eat and talk to each other. This is the tradition of the [STRIKE]familly[/STRIKE] family. Tam loves DaLat, but she doesn’t like eating hamburger. She doesn’t like the smell of hamburger.

When Tam arrives, she see a lot of familiar faces. Uncle Tuan and uncle Quan are playing chess together. Playing chess is their favorite game, they can both play chess many hours without eating. Aunt Phuong and aunt Thung are cooking while aunt Giang [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] is washing vegetables. Aunt Giang works for a five star hotel as a chef but she has [STRIKE]got a pile of restaurant in the city. Aunt Phuong and aunt Thung are a office government.[/STRIKE]

There are five people talking to each other in the garden. All of them are her cousins. Tam sees Linh standing near Ha. Ha already has [STRIKE]already had got[/STRIKE] three children. The youngest one is [STRIKE]creaming[/STRIKE]screaming. Then, the oldest one [STRIKE]is [/STRIKE] starts [STRIKE]creaming[/STRIKE]screaming. Ha’s children are always [STRIKE]creaming[/STRIKE]screaming. Tam doesn’t really like children.

Then Tam sees [STRIKE]an[/STRIKE] a handsome man in the field. She stares at him. He [STRIKE]caughts[/STRIKE] catches her stare. He smiles and walks up to her. Tam is nervous and embarrassed. She is nervous because the [STRIKE]hansome[/STRIKE] handsome man might be her cousin. When he approaches her, he raises his hand and introduces himself as Paul. Paul is a [STRIKE]docdor[/STRIKE] doctor. Ha’s child is ill so he is [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] here to see him(her).

After Tam knows that [STRIKE]Paul and Tam[/STRIKE]they are not related. Tam is excited. Paul says “ Would you like to have a hamburger tonight?”. Tam joyful agrees and says “I love hamburger”.

It may seem that I have made a lot of corrections but most of these are spelling errors. You should check your spelling closely. You can use a spell checking program that your word processor has but be careful. A spell checking program will not identify misspelled words that are in fact real words.

A good example in your writing here is "creaming". I am pretty sure you mean to say "screaming". "Creaming" means something else. In a certain context it could mean something very naughty, so you must be careful about spelling.

This is your biggest error.

"she has [STRIKE]got a pile of restaurant in the city. Aunt Phuong and aunt Thung are a office government.[/STRIKE]"

"a pile of" is slang for "many". If that is what you mean say "many" and make "restaurant" plural. I have a feeling aunt Phuong and aunt Thung work in a government office.

"
she has many restaurants in the city. Aunt Phuong and aunt Thung are government office workers."

I did not capitalize "she" because this is part of a sentence.

"Catches her eye" is a common expression. "Catches her stare" is not common but it is understandable.

Everything else are minor changes or spelling errors.

I like the composition of this writing. It is easy and interesting to read.
 

toanhntm

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Did you use "humburger" in your thread title (though not in the title of the essay) and in your final sentence because Tam (for some reason) can't say the word "ha​mburger" correctly?
Thank you teacher. I was not sure the word “humburger” or “hamburger” was correct. Although/even though I could use the google tool to check it but I still typed it. When my mistakes is found out, I will remember longer (Please help me express the underline exactly).
 
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Tdol

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I would use Da Lat or Dalat for the name of the place.
 

toanhntm

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I would use Da Lat or Dalat for the name of the place.
Thank teacher. Actually, I am not sure using the word "Da Lat" or "DaLat" is correct. Now, I get the answer from you.
 

Tdol

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I see both Hanoi and Ha Noi used in English. I don't see HaNoi. I'd choose one from the first two possibilities.
 

toanhntm

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Re: I love hamburger

Thank you very much. Mr Lynxear.
This is my essay after repairing some mistakes. There are some questions for you. Could you please answer it.

I love hamburger

Every summer, Tam and her family travels to Dalat. Dalat is one of the most beautiful city in the middle of Vietnam. The city is located in between hills and mountains. Actually, it is a small city. Everyone calls Dalat the city of the loving because it is a wonderful place for loving people to come.

Tam’s relative has a big house in Dalat and they are a big family, too. Every summer, all the members in her big family (a big family, I want to refer to a family that has grandfather, grandmother my parent, my uncles, my aunts, a lot of my cousin and a lot of my nephew). gather at this big house. They meet, eat and talk to each other. This is the tradition of the family. Tam loves Dalat, but she doesn’t like eating hamburger. She doesn’t like the smell of hamburger.

When Tam arrives, she see a lot of familiar faces. Uncle Tuan and uncle Quan are playing chess together. Playing chess is their favorite game, they can both play chess many hours without eating. Aunt Phuong and aunt Thung are cooking while aunt Giang is washing vegetables. Aunt Giang works for a five star hotel as a chef but she has got a pile of restaurant in the city. Aunt Phuong and aunt Thung are a office government.
(Before you looked at my essay, I hadn’t known expressing the above sentence. So I writed as it is. Now, I want to rewrite the sentence to be “She has got a chain of restaurants. Aunt Phuong and aunt Thung are government office workers."

There are five people talking to each other in the garden. All of them are her cousins. Tam sees Linh standing near Ha. Ha already has already had got three children (May I use the present perfect tense?. I use the present perfect tense because she now has three children, but in the future she may has more than three). The youngest one is screaming. Then, the oldest one starts screaming. Ha’s children are always screaming. Tam doesn’t really like children.

Then Tam sees a handsome man in the field. She stares at him. He catches her eye. He smiles and walks up to her. Tam is nervous and embarrassed. She is nervous because the handsome man might be her cousin. When he approaches her, he raises his hand and introduces himself as Paul. Paul is a doctor. Ha’s child is ill so he is here to see him.

After Tam knows that they are not related. Tam is excited. Paul says “ Would you like to have a hamburger tonight?”. Tam joyful agrees and says “I love hamburger”.
 

Lynxear

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Re: I love hamburger

I find this very confusing when you post a rewritten attempt this way.

You have highlighted corrections that I have suggested. I have missed some grammar errors from the original text.

I do not want to present you with everything corrected by me. That will not help you. I can see that your current English shown by the comments that you have written does not match the writing in this text. This says to me that you are not learning a lot and if this is your 8th (now 9th) rewrite of this passage then you have not learned by the exercise

Having comments by you written in italics is not a good practice.

I crossed out the present perfect for a reason. You cannot know how many children in the future... she may have a hundred for all you know. However, RIGHT NOW in this essay she HAS three. So, no, you should not use the present perfect tense.

You also sometimes use the same adjective several times in a row.

big house in Dalat and they are a big family, too. Every summer, all the members in her big family

You say "big" over and over again. First of all with respect to her family you only have to say the size once (any more time is redundant). Secondly if you must describe a big family don't describe their house as being big. The English language is full of synonyms for most words. Choose another synonym for big. Don't just keep repeating the same adjective so many time.

Finally, you have underlined "Pam joyful agrees" for some reason. There is a grammar error there that I missed but I don't know why you did this. "Joyful" is an adjective... it should be the adverb "joyfully" that is used.

"Pam joyfully agrees"
 
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