[Essay] IELTS Writing Task 2 (Please comment)

[DTYJ]

Having a good university degree guarantees people a good job.
To what extent do you agree?

A university degree is often considered as a key to a more promising future. Many people sought after university degrees after they graduate from high school in hopes of securing a good job when they come out to work. While obtaining a university degree does increase the likelihood of securing a job for a person, a university degree by itself does not guarantee landing a good job.

Firstly, many employers prefer to hire graduates with relevant job experience. A good university degree doesn’t guarantee graduates with the necessary skillsets required for a job. University courses tend to be more theoretical and have limited practical training and graduates often struggle to cope at work because of that. In the end, employers still end up spending time and money to train up fresh graduates.

Moreover, employers seek people who are productive in working in a team so that they can fit in well with other colleagues. This is only assessable through one-on-one interviews because a university degree does not give out any information on a person’s personality. As a result, an interview becomes necessary in a job application and plays a bigger role than university degrees.

In conclusion, a good university degree does help a person in securing a job but only to a certain extent. Other factors such as job experience and personality plays a major part in obtaining a good job as well. A person needs to focus on other factors as well in order to secure a good job.

 

[tedmc]

Having a good university degree guarantees people a good job.
To what extent do you agree?

A university degree is often considered as a key to a more promising future. Many people [STRIKE]sought after[/STRIKE] seek (something that is "sought after" is something that is in demand) university degrees after they graduate from high school in [STRIKE]hopes[/STRIKE] the hope of securing a good job when they come out to work. While [STRIKE]obtaining[/STRIKE] a university degree does increase the likelihood (chance) of one securing a job [STRIKE]for a person[/STRIKE], [STRIKE]a university degree[/STRIKE] by itself, it does not guarantee landing a good job.

Firstly, many employers prefer to hire graduates with relevant job experience. A good university degree doesn’t guarantee graduates with the necessary skillsets required for a job. University courses tend to be more theoretical and have limited practical training and graduates often struggle(better not generalize. Try: it takes graduates much time...) to cope [STRIKE]at work[/STRIKE] with the real working situation because of that. In the end, employers [STRIKE]still[/STRIKE] end up spending much time and money to train up fresh graduates.

[STRIKE]Moreover,[/STRIKE] Employers seek people who are productive in working in a team [STRIKE]so that they[/STRIKE] and can fit in well with other colleagues. This is only assessable through one-on-one (face-to-face) interviews because a university degree does not give [STRIKE]out any information[/STRIKE] any indication on a person’s personality. As a result, an interview [STRIKE]becomes [/STRIKE][STRIKE]necessary[/STRIKE] is an important part of a recruitment process [STRIKE]in a job application[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]and plays a bigger role than university degrees. [/STRIKE]

In conclusion, a good university degree [STRIKE]does help a person[/STRIKE] is important in securing a job but only to a certain extent. Other factors such as job experience and personality play[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] a major part in obtaining a good job as well. A person needs to focus on these other factors as well in order to secure a good job.

You have make the point that, besides a university degree, one needs to have the relevant experience and the personality required for a job. These are the other factors/criteria that employers look for.
There is the other aspect of the subject that you have not looked into or thought about. Firstly, a university degree is not a necessity to get a good job. People with skills in the various trades such as electricans, plumbers, chefs, etc. can also get good jobs, especially where there are shortages of such skilled people. The other thing is matching of the market demand and supply for a particular type of job. . For example, people in the oil-and-gas industries are not in demand these days due to the slump in oil industry and it is difficult for such people to get jobs, let alone well-paid jobs.
You should examine into the subject from a wider perspective, by planning out what to write from the outset. Planning means spending a few minutes to think about the subject from various angles, then jotting down the points (using keywords) as they come to your mind. This serves as a guide or framework before you get down into writing the essay.

I look forward to teechar's comments on my comments.

 

[teechar]

Having a good university degree guarantees people a good job.
To what extent do you agree?

A university degree is often considered [STRIKE]as a[/STRIKE] the key to a more promising future. Many people [STRIKE]sought after[/STRIKE] pursue a university degree after they graduate from high school in the hope of securing a good job when they [STRIKE]come out to[/STRIKE] start looking for work. While obtaining a university degree does increase the likelihood of securing a job for a person, [STRIKE]a university degree[/STRIKE] it does not by itself [STRIKE]does not[/STRIKE] guarantee landing a good job.

Firstly, many employers prefer to hire graduates with relevant [STRIKE]job[/STRIKE] work experience. A good university degree doesn’t guarantee that graduates [STRIKE]with[/STRIKE] will have the necessary skillsets required for a job. University courses tend to be more theoretical and [STRIKE]have[/STRIKE] provide limited practical training, and recent graduates often struggle to cope at work because of that. In the end, employers still end up spending time and money to train [STRIKE]up[/STRIKE] such fresh graduates.

Your introduction and first body paragraph are okay, but the second paragraph is not well thought out. I agree with tedmc's comments above about brainstorming. In fact, tedmc did a good job of that and there are plenty of ideas there for you to choose from for a second (or even third) body paragraph.

[STRIKE]Moreover, employers seek people who are productive in working in a team so that they can fit in well with other colleagues. This is only assessable through one-on-one interviews because a university degree does not give out any information on a person’s personality. As a result, an interview becomes necessary in a job application and plays a bigger role than university degrees.
[/STRIKE]

job[/STRIKE] previous work experience and personality play a major part in obtaining a good job as well. A person needs to focus on [STRIKE]other factors[/STRIKE] those as well in order to secure a good job.

.

 

[teechar]

You have to make the point that, besides a university degree, one needs to have the relevant experience and the personality required for a job. These are the other factors/criteria that employers look for.

I think "have to" is a bit strong, but I see what you mean.

There [STRIKE]is the[/STRIKE] are other aspects [STRIKE]of the subject[/STRIKE] that you might want to consider. [STRIKE]have not looked into or thought about.[/STRIKE] Firstly, a university degree is not a necessity [STRIKE]to get a good[/STRIKE] for every job. People with skills in the various trades such as electricians, plumbers, chefs, etc. can also get good jobs, especially where there are shortages of such skilled people. The other thing is [STRIKE]matching of[/STRIKE] the market forces of [STRIKE]demand and[/STRIKE] supply and demand for a particular type of job. For example, people in the oil-and-gas industries are not in demand these days due to the slump in oil prices, [STRIKE]industry[/STRIKE] and it is difficult for such people to get jobs, let alone well-paid jobs.

You should examine into the subject from a wider perspective, by planning out what to write from the outset. Planning means spending a few minutes to think about the subject from various angles, then jotting down the points (using keywords) as they come to your mind. This serves as a guide or framework before you get down [STRIKE]into[/STRIKE] to writing the essay.

Yes, I agree with that. It's good advice.

 

[tedmc]

You have to make the point that, besides a university degree, one needs to have the relevant experience and the personality required for a job. These are the other factors/criteria that employers look for.

That was a typo. I actually meant to say "You made the point that,...".