Is this a good working thesis?

[lthomas0924]

I have to write a working thesis statement that focuses on the impact of computers related to a single area of my personal life. After brainstorming I came up with this-

"Computers do more harm than good because, even though there is the convenience of shopping online, banking, and keeping up with friends on facebook, there is a chance of someone getting ahold of my personal information."

What do you think?

 

[Raymott]

I have to write a working thesis statement that focuses on the impact of computers related to a single area of my personal life. After brainstorming I came up with this-

"Computers do more harm than good because, even though there is the convenience of shopping online, banking, and keeping up with friends on facebook, there is a chance of someone getting ahold of my personal information."

What do you think?

Which "single area of your personal life" does this relate to?
The statement that "computers do more harm than good" seems to be a summary judgement based on the overall impact of computers on all areas of your personal life that computers could possibly affect.

 

[emsr2d2]

I have to write a working thesis statement that focuses on the impact of computers related to a single area of my personal life. After brainstorming I came up with this-

"Computers do more harm than good because, [STRIKE]even though there is[/STRIKE] despite the convenience of shopping and banking online, [STRIKE]banking, [/STRIKE]and keeping up with friends on Facebook, there is a chance of someone getting [STRIKE]ahold[/STRIKE] hold of my personal information."

What do you think?

I've made some amendments above but I would echo what Raymott said. I'm not sure what one area of your personal life you're saying is impacted.