Letter of motivation - systems engineering

[lasseeid]

hi, i am working on a letter of motivation to an application for a master's degree in engineering. I do not expect you guys to correct this paper, but i would appreciate some comments on the language that are used in the text..

Personal Statement


Dear Sir or Madam.
With this letter, I would like to express my interest of studying Systems Engineering at University XX.

My name is ABC and i am currently studying Bachelor’s degree in Mechanical Engineer at the University Collage YY, department XY. In addition to school I have a job as a bouncer at a nightclub here in XY, I also work as a student assistant where the job is to create some 3D models in Freecad for a project here at the university YY. Excluding studies, I use my spare time with strength training and otherwise ordinary social gatherings with friends.

I want to start gaining experience as soon as possible, but I also want to go further in depth within my discipline. I was very delighted to find a Master’s degree that gives the opportunity to combine these two options. I have decided to apply for this study because I find it highly interesting, I'm sure I can learn a lot by combining theory learned in school with practical tasks during work at the same time. Thus, i can get ready for what awaits in my further career.

I'd like to become as international as I can be, therefore, if I come into the study program, I'm going to apply for a semester in the US.

When I've graduated school, I'd like to work for an international company where there is an opportunity to work cooperatively with companies overseas, gladly through traveling.

Thank you for considering my request. I look forward to hearing from you.


Sincerely
ABC

 

[teechar]

Hi, I am working on a letter of motivation [STRIKE]to an[/STRIKE] as part of my application for a master's degree in engineering. I do not expect you [STRIKE]guys[/STRIKE] to correct it, [STRIKE]this paper,[/STRIKE] but I would appreciate some comments on the language [STRIKE]that are[/STRIKE] used in the text..

Personal Statement


Dear Sir or Madam.

With this letter, I would like to express my interest [STRIKE]of studying[/STRIKE] in enrolling for the Systems Engineering master's program at XX University. [STRIKE]XX.[/STRIKE]

My name is ABC, and I am currently studying for my bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering at [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] University College YY - Department of XY.

[STRIKE]In addition to school[/STRIKE] I currently also work part-time [STRIKE]have a job[/STRIKE] as a bouncer at a nightclub here in XY to earn extra income. [STRIKE]I also[/STRIKE] In addition, I work as a student assistant [STRIKE]where the job is[/STRIKE] on a project to create some 3D models [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] using Freecad [STRIKE]for a project here[/STRIKE] at the YY University. [STRIKE]YY. Excluding[/STRIKE] Outside my studies, I [STRIKE]use[/STRIKE] spend my spare time [STRIKE]with[/STRIKE] strength training and [STRIKE]otherwise ordinary social gatherings with[/STRIKE] meeting my friends.

I want to start gaining practical experience after I graduate, [STRIKE]as soon as possible,[/STRIKE] but I also [STRIKE]want to go further[/STRIKE] wish to gain a more in-depth understanding of [STRIKE]within[/STRIKE] my discipline. I was very delighted to find a master’s degree that [STRIKE]gives[/STRIKE] provides me the opportunity to combine these two goals of mine. [STRIKE]options.[/STRIKE] I have decided to apply for this [STRIKE]study[/STRIKE] program because I find it highly interesting, I'm sure I can learn a lot by combining theory learned in [STRIKE]school[/STRIKE] class with practical tasks during work placement at the same time. Thus, I believe this program can [STRIKE]get ready[/STRIKE] help me prepare well for [STRIKE]what awaits in[/STRIKE] my future [STRIKE]rther[/STRIKE] career.

I'd like to become as international as I can be; therefore, if I [STRIKE]come[/STRIKE] get accepted into the study program, I will [STRIKE]'m going to[/STRIKE] apply for a semester in the US.

[STRIKE]When I've graduated school, I'd like to[/STRIKE] Afterwards, I foresee myself working for an international company [STRIKE]where there is an[/STRIKE] that offers opportunities to work in different countries around the world. [STRIKE]cooperatively with companies overseas, gladly through traveling[/STRIKE].

Thank you for considering my request, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,

[STRIKE]Sincerely
[/STRIKE]ABC

It's a little short. You could mention something about your achievements (academic and otherwise).

Also, use the correct names of academic institutions.
For example,

The University of Minnesota.
University College Birmingham.
Trinity College Cambridge.
Harvard University.