MEASURES TO IMPROVE OUR WELFARE

[laluuuusii]

I have written this essay for practice for my CAE exam. I would like it if it was checked.
” Your class has been watching a TV debate about measures that could improve people’s health and well-being in modern society. You have made the notes below:
Measures to improve health and well-being
-Advertising
-Education
- Laws
Write an essay discusing two of the measures and explain which one is the most effective”.


MEASURES TO IMPROVE OUR WELFARE

Nowadays’ society is claimed to be going downhill in numerous aspects. Nevertheless, it is respected for our concern towards healthy lifestyles and how to do our utmost to focus on our well-being. This essay takes a look at measures that could give us a helping hand with this glaringly unresolved issue.

First and foremost, education plays a crucial role. From parents to teachers, their responsability is to instill appropriate manners from a young age. It is common knowledge these habits adquired during our upbringing linger on in our lives. Consequently, the most effective way to achieve this is by parents embodying what it is to be healthy and by schools encouraging -not forcing- pupils and teenagers to read about the topic. The former motivates them to follow suit and the latter boosts their curiosity towards reading insights regarding exercise, sleep and self-awareness.

Furthermore, it is often questioned whether laws should come into effect making it compulsory to remain cognizant of the importance of health and to out it into practice. Many argue this is not the right way, because it would be complicated to regulate it- would we be punished for procrastinating and fined for not doing any sport? Is it not preferable to honor who does as opposed to harming financially who does not?

After considering both viewpoints, I have come to the conclusion that the key to a society which incorporates self-care into its daily life is by stimulation, not force. It stands to reason the number of people suffering from illnesses such as obesity and anxiety will be reduced.

 

[Tarheel]

Try:

I would like some suggestions for improving my essay.

 

[tedmc]

I would like it if it was checked.
I would like to have it checked.
I would like it to be checked.
I would like someone to check it.

Nowadays’ society is claimed to be going downhill in numerous aspects.
Who made that claim?

Nevertheless, it is (what is?) respected for our concern towards healthy lifestyles and how to do our utmost to focus on our well-being.

This essay takes a look at (discusses) measures that could give us a helping hand with this glaringly unresolved issue.
This sentences is too wordy. Can you make it simpler?


First and foremost, education plays a crucial role.
plays a crucial role in?

I suggest you make your writing simpler. Some of the words e.g. embodying, stimulation, reading insights, are not used appropriately.

 

[Tarheel]

I don't agree with "checked" at all. You are asking for editing/proofreading suggestions.

 

[Tarheel]

Try:

Write an essay discussing two of the measures, and explain which you think would be more effective.

You need to write shorter, simpler sentences. You also need to be sure you understand what you are saying.

You know very well that just because you string a bunch of Spanish words together that doesn't mean you're making sense. The same is true with English.

 

[jutfrank]

I don't agree with "checked" at all. You are asking for editing/proofreading suggestions.

I don't think so. I think laluuuusii is asking for an overall evaluation with regard to the assessment criteria of this particular part of the CAE exam. In other words, he/she wants some feedback on how to improve his/her score.

 

[Tarheel]

Nevertheless, it is respected for our concern towards healthy lifestyles and how to do the utmost to focus on our well-being.

Since your goal is to get a better score and not to write better sentences, that might be just fine. However, I do know that doesn't make much sense.