Motivation letter

[frusciante89]

Hi everybody, I'm an italian university student taking part to a competitive examination in order to spend six months in California.
Here's the required motivation letter, I'd appreciate If anybody could tell me what he/she thinks about it.




Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing you to introduce myself and to apply for the exchange program with University of xxxxx. My name is xxxxx, I'm xx years old and I'm currently completing a Bachelor's Degree in xxxxxx at University of xxxxxx. Moreover, I have just enrolled in the Master's Degree in xxxxx.

I would like to take part in this program, and to study in xxxxx, because this is an excellent opportunity to improve my academic and professional skills and to gain a lot of experiences.


After a detailed research, I got in touch with several teachers at University of xxxxxx, explaining my intent to develop a thesis for the Master's Degree with their support (in terms of knowledge and tools). I therefore found available professors at xxxxx & xxxxxx (I'll be glad to report e-mail conversations if needed).

I enjoy working with people. I do feel flexible and open minded, and I'm used to work hard, longing to embark on new challenges.
Above all, I am eager to learn new things and I am firmly convinced that for an ambitious university student it is necessary to expand its horizon of knowledge by being able to think and work on international level.

I enclose a survey of performances I have done during my main study.

Yours, Sincerly

 

[billmcd]

Hi everybody, I'm an italian university student taking part to a competitive examination in order to spend six months in California.
Here's the required motivation letter, I'd appreciate If anybody could tell me what he/she thinks about it.




Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing [STRIKE]you[/STRIKE] to introduce myself and to apply for the exchange program with University of xxxxx. My name is xxxxx, I'm xx years old and I'm currently completing a Bachelor's Degree in xxxx at University of xxxx. Moreover, I have just enrolled in the Master's Degree in xxxxx.

I have been living in Italy since I was a child, but I have always dreamed about living and working abroad, [STRIKE]meet[/STRIKE] knowing about other cultures and learning languages. [STRIKE]I had several experiences in foreign countries:[/STRIKE] I have already been to England three times and I have been enrolled at the xxxxx School of English in xxxxx for a General English course.

I would like to take part in [STRIKE]this[/STRIKE] your program, and to study in xxxxx, because this is an excellent opportunity to improve my academic and professional skills and to gain [STRIKE]a lot of experiences[/STRIKE] the experience I need to become a successful professional.

I'm not [STRIKE]actually[/STRIKE] interested in this project [STRIKE]just[/STRIKE] only because of the travel to and residence in another country. The mere improvement in my language skills (which will surely and successfully occur), could take place in any English speaking country.[STRIKE]., not really needing a specific place.[/STRIKE]
The primary reason for choosing this particular part of the world, and your University in particular, is crystal clear to me: it would enable me to develop a strong background of knowledge [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE]in areas still not available [STRIKE]at[/STRIKE] in my home university. [STRIKE]and [/STRIKE] That would [STRIKE]turn out [/STRIKE] result to be invaluable throughout my career.

The United States [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE]is certainly the best environment for [STRIKE]the formation of [/STRIKE] becoming an xxxxx, because it provides[STRIKE]providing[/STRIKE] state-of-the-art teaching, research, and facilities, integrating [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE]a European approach [STRIKE]towards[/STRIKE] to space technology with a successful historical US-aerospace background.

After [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] some detailed research, I [STRIKE]got in touch with [/STRIKE] contacted several teachers at the University of xxxxx, explaining my intent to develop a thesis for the Master's Degree with their support (in terms of knowledge and tools). I [STRIKE]therefore[/STRIKE] found available professors at xxxxx & xxxxx (I'll be glad to report e-mail conversations if needed).

I am able to work alone or as a part of a team, and I enjoy working with people. I [STRIKE]do[/STRIKE][STRIKE] feel [/STRIKE] am flexible and open minded, and [STRIKE]I'm[/STRIKE] I am used to hard work and longing to [STRIKE]embark[/STRIKE]accept [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] new challenges.

Above all, I am eager to learn new things and I am firmly convinced that for an ambitious university student it is necessary to expand [STRIKE]its[/STRIKE] their horizon of knowledge by being able to think and work on an international level.

I enclose a survey of performances I have done during my main study.

Yours sincerely,

Some suggestions. One other point, you have listed your name differently, once in the body of the letter and once in your closing. Use your first name first in both sections.

Good luck.

 

[billmcd]

Thank you for your answer. I've actually changed the letter along with your suggestions, and I've added further information. What do you think about that? Does it seem coherent and fluent to you?

Thank you again


Object: Personal Statement


Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to introduce myself and to apply for the exchange program with the University of xxxx. My name is xxxx, I'm xx years old and I'm currently completing a Bachelor's Degree in xxxx at the University of xxxxx. Moreover, I have just enrolled in the Master's Degree in xxxxx.

I have lived in Italy since I was a child, but I have always dreamed about living and working abroad, knowing about other cultures and learning languages. I have already been to England three times and I have attended the xxxxx School of English in xxxxx for a General English course.
Since I was young I have always had a keen interest in the way that the things around me work. From marvelling at the telephone to how planes can fly, engineering advances have never failed to captivate me. For this reason, I have always tried to find out how such things function, and about how they have had an impact on the society we live in today. Coupled with the fact that I have always enjoyed the logical and problem-solving processes involved in maths and physics, I decided several years ago to embark on a career in engineering.

I would like to take part in this program, and to study in xxxxx, because this is an excellent opportunity to improve my academic and professional skills and to gain the experience I need to become a successful professional.
I'm not interested in this project only because of the travel to and residence in another country: the mere improvement in my language skills (which will surely and successfully occur), could take place in any English speaking country, not really needing a specific place.
The primary reason for choosing this particular part of the world is crystal clear to me: it would enable me to develop a strong background of knowledge in areas still not available in my home university. That would result to be an invaluable asset throughout my career.
The United States is certainly the best environment for the formation of an xxxxx, because it provides state-of-the-art teaching, research, and facilities, integrating the European approach to space technology with a successful historical US-aerospace background.

After some detailed research, I contacted several teachers at the University of xxxxx, explaining my intent to develop a thesis for the Master's Degree with their support (in terms of knowledge and tools). I found available professors at xxxx & xxxxx (I enclose e-mail conversations with them). As far as concerns the courses, I am interested in almost every engineering element: fluid mechanics, astrodynamics, electro-technology, propulsion, structures, materials science and aerodynamics. These are only few of the subjects I am curious about, and I found several available courses concerning the [STRIKE]following elements[/STRIKE] areas mentioned.

I am able to work alone or as a part of a team, and I enjoy working with people. I am flexible and open minded, and I am used to hard work, longing to accept new challenges. I love to fuse [STRIKE]maths[/STRIKE] math with physics in solving problems of a varied nature and I [STRIKE]am able to use excellently [/STRIKE] have what I consider to be an excellent knowledge of the computing environment and programming languages, as well as [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] major computer-aided design [STRIKE]softwares[/STRIKE] software.

Above all, I am eager to learn new things and I am firmly convinced that for ambitious university students it is necessary to expand their horizon of knowledge by being able to think and work at an international level.

Excellent. See a few other suggestions above.

 

[Tdol]

I have removed all personal details. I am not going to delete the thread because people have put a lot of work into it, and a forum is a resource for other people, who may be able to benefit from seeing different corrections that may help them.