[Essay] Please check my essay

[Faisal Marri]

Freedom from want

By nature man is always desired of getting more and more. Moreover, it gives birth the habit of greed in man. So, to get freedom from desires will become the most successful thing in mans life. Afree man can enjoy the life. He will not be in search of pleasure and vice versa. Man needs peace and prosperity in the life. But, the peace and prosperity do not come from the worldly desires. Such things will be found in tensionless life. For instance, a person who doesn't has property and he is a poor man yet he is happy. Because, he doesn't has any ailments, tension and difficulties. Moreover, his wishes are less. And, a person who has a lot of desires in his heart and mind will never be happy but always he is behind the desires. He has forgotten pleasure and wondering in materialistic world. Such kind of activities make a man boredom, unhappy and always following any desire. A Wise man want to get liberty from such wats and desires of life, such feelings leads a person in the desert of sorrows. Because, no one can fulfil his all desires in the very world and life, which is too short.

 

[teechar]

Some comments:
- This is not an essay;it's a single paragraph.
- Your writing is completely off-topic. Freedom from want means freedom from poverty.
- You'll need to improve your basic vocabulary and grammar skills before you start writing paragraphs and essays.

 

[Faisal Marri]

The paragraph is written by my friend, who is going to appear in exam on next week. He wanted to check essay especially from you and Your useful comments helped him a lot. thanks for your guidance. Can you please mention in which field of grammar he has to work hard.

 

[teechar]

The paragraph is written by my friend, who [STRIKE]is going to appear in[/STRIKE] has an exam [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] next week. He wanted someone to check his essay, [STRIKE]especially from you[/STRIKE] and your useful comments have helped him a lot. Thanks for your guidance. Can you please mention in which field of grammar he has to work hard?

Your friend needs to work on many areas in grammar.

e.g.

By nature man is always desired of getting more and more.

Unnecessary and incorrect use of the passive.

it gives birth the habit of greed in man.

Flawed basic sentence construction.

So, to get freedom from desires will become the most successful thing in mans life.

Incorrect choice of tense and missing possessive apostrophe.

The list goes on! I strongly advise your friend to keep their writing as simple as possible in order to minimize the chances of making grammatical blunders.

 

[emsr2d2]

Perhaps you should suggest to your friend that he join the forum and that he ask his own questions.

 

[Tarheel]

In addition to what teechar said, I think your friend should stick to using words he truly understands. Also, it is more important at this point that he achieve clarity. He can aim for creativity later.

 

[Faisal Marri]

He will join soon.

 

[Tarheel]

OK, now let's have fun with this one.

By nature man is always desired of getting more and more. Moreover, it gives birth the habit of greed in man.

Say:

By nature man tends to want more and more. However, that leads to greed.​

 

[Tarheel]

So, to get freedom from desires will become the most successful thing in mans life. Afree man can enjoy the life. He will not be in search of pleasure and vice versa.

Possibly:

To become free of desire is the highest achievement possible. A free man can enjoy his life. He will not be in search of pleasure, and pleasure will not be in search of him.


​

Although that last sentence might seem strange, it is the only way to make sense out of and vice versa. (Is this a Buddhist tenet?)

 

[Tarheel]

Man needs peace and prosperity in the life.

Perhaps:

Man wants and needs peace and prosperity.​

 

[Tarheel]

But peace and prosperity do not come from worldly desires. Such things will be found in tensionless life.

For instance, a person who doesn't have property and is a poor man can still be happy. Because, he doesn't has any ailments, tension or difficulties.

Moreover, his wishes are less.

Try:

He is happy with the little he does have.​

And, a person who has a lot of desires in his heart and mind will never be happy but always he is behind the desires..

A person who desires much in the way of things will never be happy because he will always want more.

Moreover, his wishes are less.

Try:

He is happy with the little he does have.​

He has forgotten pleasure and wondering in materialistic world. Such activities make a man bored and unhappy and always following any desire. A wise man wants to be free of such wants and desires. Such feelings lead a person into the desert of sorrows. Because, no one can fulfill all his desires in the very world and life, which is too short.

Some suggestions are made simply to make the sentence more grammatical. That does not mean I understand what the writer is saying.

(I rather like the phrase "desert of sorrows". Is it OK if I use that? )