Sentence content and structure

[di4ORJ]

Good morning everyone,

I am having a dispute at work with colleagues over the following paragraph:

"Our knowledge of car park coating systems and this fast growing sector of the industry enables our experienced team to provide a complete project design and managed delivery. We know the long term performance of the finished system is not just determined by the high skill and workmanship of our installations teams but that understanding the required preparation needed by various surfaces to ensure the success of the application, all of which are key factors which our clients rely on Mars Construct Ltd to manage."

I am adamant that the last paragraph is very poor English and does not make any real sense. I am however no English teacher and am having difficulty in explaining why this is poor English. I think the use of "but" in the sentence is not conducive to the last part of the sentence. "But" what?? The sentence does not go on correctly in my opinion and the last part of "all of which..." seems at odds with the "but" part.

I may be completely wrong but would really appreciate some learned advice from anyone out there with an opinion.

Many thanks in advance.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

 

[tedmc]

I think the whole paragraph could be better written.

Offhand, "not just.." is normally followed by "but also" (not "but that"). Besides that, "high skill and workmanship" do not match "understanding the required preparation.."

 

[teechar]

The last sentence of that paragraph is unequivocally ungrammatical. I suggest you rewrite it using simpler and clearer language and even perhaps split it into two or three sentences.

 

[tedmc]

I have rewritten the paragraph as an exercise:

Car-park protective floor coating systems are a fast growing sector of the construction industry. Our expertise in floor coating systems enables our experienced team of professionals to provide a complete project delivery system. The long term performance of a finished coating system depends on key factors such as skill and workmanship of installation and more importantly, surface preparation. Our clients can rely on us to ensure that all the factors required for the successful application of coatings are well taken care of.

* I think the keywords "floor protective coating system" are missing. I am in the construction line, by the way.

 

[di4ORJ]

Many thanks for the responses, they ae greatly appreciated.

I wonder if you could expand on why you would insist that the sentence is "unequivocally ungrammatical". I totally agree but would like to understand as to why.

My offered edit of the text was:

"We know the long term performance of the finished system is not just determined by the high skill and workmanship of our installation teams, but that understanding the required preparation required by various surfaces, to ensure the success of the application, is also a key consideration. It is this technical knowledge and experience that allows our clients to rely on Mars Construct Limited to manage their projects."

Again I would welcome any critique, many thanks.

 

[teechar]

@di4ORJ: Do you consider that simpler or clearer than the original? :shock:
Ted's version is much better, even though it's missing the word "such" as well as a couple of hyphens. ;-)