Sentence Structure

[Mher]

"In the framework of his official visit to Turkmenistan, President Serzh Sargsyan today left the capital city Ashgabat forTurkmenbashi city where he watched the concert of the cultural figures of the Republic of Armenia and Turkmenistan with President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedowat Ruhiyat Cultural Palace."

Hi. I am interested whether the structure of this sentence is correct?

 

[Rover_KE]

What is the source of the quotation?

 

[Raymott]

No, it isn't. It seems to be missing several spaces, the most crucial here: "Berdimuhamedow at Ruhiyat ..."

 

[Mher]

The quote is a part of my translation from Armenian and the source is www.president.am.
Are you joking? Is there anything else?

 

[SoothingDave]

You would be better off breaking it into smaller sentences.

 

[Barb_D]

I'm also not sure which city he watched the concert in. The one he left or the one he "left for." Since it seemed like it focused on his departure from one place, I would guess there. It doesn't say he arrived in the next city. But the placement of the "Where he watched a concert" suggests the second city.

Also, I don't like 'In the framework of..." -- no need for it. "On his official visit..."
I think you "attend" a concert - usually the point is music, and "watching" focuses on the visual.

(And I agree 100% on creating shorter sentences!)

 

[Mher]

First of all, thank you for your constructive remarks. I tried to express the point that President "went" from the first city to the second one. If there is a better way to do it, please tell me how. I translate the official news regarding our president and I intend to convey the exact meaning of news by avoiding an artificial translation.

 

[Tdol]

Who's your audience? There are a lot of names in the sentence. If you just say left the capital, you can cut down on one. You could also cut out the word city after Turkmenbashi. The suggestion to break it up into smaller sentences ,might also help.

 

[Barb_D]

"In the framework of his official visit to Turkmenistan, President Serzh Sargsyan today left the capital city Ashgabat forTurkmenbashi city where he watched the concert of the cultural figures of the Republic of Armenia and Turkmenistan with President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedowat Ruhiyat Cultural Palace."

There are a lot of facts here.
* He's on an official visit to Turkmenistan
* He had been in Ashgabat
* Ashgabat is the capital
* While in Ashgabat he attended a concert of "cultural figures" [I'm still not sure what that is] of the Republic of Armenia and Turkmenistan. (Could you say "He attended a concert of Armenian and Turkmenistani performers"?)]
* He attended that concert with Turkmenistan President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedowat
* The concert was at the Ruhiyat Cultural Palace
* He is now heading to Turkmenbashi City

Which is the most important fact here? Lead with that.
For example:
Continuing his official visit to Turkmenistan, today President Serzh Sargsyan left the capital city Ashgabat for Turkmenbashi City. While in Ashgabat, Sargsyan was the guest of Turkmenistan President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedowat at a concert of concert of Armenian and Turkmenistani performers at the Ruhiyat Cultural Palace.

Or

President Serzh Sargsyan and Turkmenistan President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedowat attended a concert of concert of Armenian and Turkmenistani performers at the Ruhiyat Cultural Palace in the capital city Ashgabat as part of Sargsyan's official visit to Turkmenistan. Today he left Ashgabat for Turkmenbashi city.

 

[Mher]

All in all, I agree with you. However, as I mentioned above, I translate official news concerning our president and any fact should not be distorted. The President was not the guest of the Turkmenistani President only in Asghabat as he was in Turkmenistan on an official visit. I know that the phrase "cultural figures" sounds strange here. I used it as an analogue to the phrase political figures. Could you name the relevant phrase please? Finally, (the) Ruhiyat Cultural Palace is in the second (Turkmenbashi) city.

 

[Barb_D]

Continuing his official visit to Turkmenistan, today President Serzh Sargsyan left the capital city Ashgabat for Turkmenbashi City, where he and Turkmenistan President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedowat attended at a concert of concert of Armenian and Turkmenistani performers at the Ruhiyat Cultural Palace.

I don't really know what you mean by "cultural figures." Is that not a performer? Singers? Musicians?
Prominent Armenian and Turkmenistani musicians?

 

[Raymott]

where he and Turkmenistan President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow at

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gurbanguly_Berdimuhamedow
This is why I mentioned the spacing problem in my first post. It might be trivial if you know what you're reading - otherwise it's not.

 

[Mher]

The phrase "cultural figures" is an artificial analogue to the phrase "political figures." By it I refer to prominent singers, musicians, dancers and any other representative in the broad sphere of culture. I wonder whether there is any general word which can substitute the word "figures" in the phrase "cultural figures?"

 

[Barb_D]

If everyone knows who they are, they can be "cultural icons."