[General] Writing an experience

snjpverma

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I have written a tragic experience but I would like experts to make necessary corrections to it (esp. the bold part which I feel does not sound quite good). Don't restrict yourself from making corrections to the non-bold part though.

I was on my way to give my 10th grade exams. I reached the railway platform and found that the trains were running quite late. Due to the trains being late, the platform was over-crowded. I had a plan to go to another place after the exam, so I was carrying a heavy bag with me. The limited seats available on the platform were already occupied and lots of people were standing. I kept my bag on the platform-floor and waited for the train to come. People tried leaning on the platform and see as far as they could if the train was coming. Fortunately the train arrived after a few minutes. People rushed towards the end of the platform to board the train as soon as they can. Any delay would result in not being able to board the train. The train was jam packed already and there were so many of us waiting to board it. The train hadn't even stopped properly and people started rushing in. I too somehow managed to get into the train.
Such a strenuous task it was to get in!! The moment I got in the train, I heaved a sigh of relief. A few minutes of delay in the arrival of train would have resulted in me reaching late to the exam hall. Just two seconds in the train and “Oh Shit”, I uttered. I went absolutely numb. For a moment I just couldn’t think of anything. The whole world turned upside down for me/came crashing down. I never thought I would end up in such a tragic situation. Even though I knew it wasn’t possible, I tried my best to get out of the train. HOW I WISH I HADN’T LEFT MY BAG ON THE PLATFORM!!

Any help is highly appreciated.
 

Tarheel

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: Wwriting about an experience

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I have written about a tragic experience, but I would like experts to make necessary corrections to the writing.
 

Tarheel

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Re: : Writing about an experience

For the parts in bold, try:

People on the platform leaned over and looked down the rails as far as they could to see if the train was coming.

And:

If I didn't hurry I might not be able to get on the train.

"The whole world came crashing down" works best, I think.
 

Tarheel

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Re: : Writing about an experience

More suggestions.

Don't restrict yourself to making corrections to the parts in bold.

And:

I was a teacher on my way to class to give my tenth grade exams.

And:

Due to the trains being late, the platforms were very crowded.

And:

There were a few people who were seated, but most people on the crowded platform were standing.
 

Tarheel

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Re: : Writing about an experience

More suggestions.

I sat my bag on the platform and waited for the train.

And:

The train arrived after a few minutes.

And:

The crowd of people rushed to get on the train.

And:

The train hadn't completely stopped, and people rushed on board. I was among those who got on the train.

And:

I was relieved that would be getting to the exam hall on time.

And:

A few more minutes of delay would have resulted in me reaching the exam hall late.

And:

How I wish I hadn't left my bag on the platform.

And:

Any help would be greatly appreciated.
 

snjpverma

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Re: : Writing about an experience

Firstly, Should I replace me with my in the below line ?
A few more minutes of delay would have resulted in me reaching the exam hall late.

Secondly, I am planning to add these lines to my write-up. Please suggest corrections to these.

I was immensely horrified. My heart beat was pounding faster than the train itself.
In a bid to get into the train, I had committed a blunder.
 

emsr2d2

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Re: : Writing about an experience

Firstly, Should I replace me with my in the below line ?
​You can use "my" there.

Secondly, I am planning to add these lines to my write-up. Please suggest corrections to these.

I was [STRIKE]immensely[/STRIKE] horrified. My heart [STRIKE]beat[/STRIKE] was pounding faster than the train itself.
In a bid to get [STRIKE]into[/STRIKE] on/onto the train, I had [STRIKE]committed[/STRIKE] made a [STRIKE]blunder[/STRIKE] mistake.

See above.
 

snjpverma

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Re: : Writing about an experience

Thanks for the help team.
I want a good moral line for the story that I have written. Please read post #1 & 6 for the story. . However I am not able to come up with one.

Here is my try:
Don't lose your focus/senses in over excitement. OR
Haste makes waste.

Please suggest corrections for this and, if possible, a better moral line for the story.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.
 

emsr2d2

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Re: : Writing about an experience

We have a perfectly good (if seemingly counter-intuitive) idiom for this already: More haste, less speed.
 

snjpverma

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Re: : Writing about an experience

Wow, I never knew this idiom existed. Thanks a lot er
 

emsr2d2

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Re: : Writing about an experience

Wow, I never knew this idiom existed. Thanks a lot, [STRIKE]er[/STRIKE] emsr2d2.

You're welcome. It's a good one!
 

snjpverma

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Re: : Writing about an experience

Whoever read this story showed his empathy towards me assuming that this is a true incident that happened with me. Hence I would like to clarify to people for which I have written the below lines.


Please read the below lines and suggest corrections.


This is a fictional story intended to give readers a moral lesson which they can apply in their everyday lives.
 

Tarheel

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Re: : Writing about an experience

Try:

This is a fictional story intended to give readers a moral lesson which they can apply to their everyday lives.

Or:

... which they can use in their everyday lives.
 

Tarheel

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Re: : Writing about an experience

I had been thinking about asking you if it was a true story.
 
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