Although many people value their public parks

[mrmvp]

Hello.

This is one of the IELTS questions on the internet.

Although many people value their public parks, this space could be better used for other purposes such as residential areas for the ever growing population or to develop business and boost economies.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this?


I wrote the introduction. I am neutral. In other words, I don't lean to a side. The first part in bold is paraphrasing the question. The sentence in italic is the thesis statement in which I state my opinion.The underlined sentence is the outline in which I will write the two main body paragraphs.


Deciding to protect green spaces or building residential areas for new generation or opting for expanding business and enhancing economics is a critical decision in today's world. I somewhat disagree with the statement. Public parks are perfect place to enjoy nature and exercising, residential areas and given priority to boost business and business entrepreneurs and investors.


Are there any mistakes?

If you have advise to improve the introduction, please write.

 

[emsr2d2]

This is one of the an IELTS questions question I found on the internet.

That's not sufficient for a source. Please provide a link.

 

[mrmvp]

That's not sufficient for a source. Please provide a link.

The Environment Topic for Writing Task 2

ieltsliz.com

 

[tedmc]

Deciding to protect green spaces or building residential areas for new generation or opting for expanding business and enhancing economics is a critical decision in today's world. I somewhat disagree with the statement. Public parks are perfect place to enjoy nature and exercising, residential areas and given priority to boost business and business entrepreneurs and investors.

The topic is a choice between two options - preserving public parks and using the land for development for residential or commercial purposes, not a choice between three options. You seem to have jumbled them up.

The second sentence is a run-on sentence, and does not make sense.

 

[teechar]

The structure you need for the first sentence should be, for example:
Deciding between [ A ] and [ B ] can be challenging.
If you want to write such a sentence, first write that stub above, then fill in the gaps. Try to make the A and B of similar length.

For the second sentence, say, for example:
I mostly agree that public parks and other such green urban spaces are precious and should be protected.
In other words, do not complicate your sentences unnecessarily.

Also, try to give a brief sentence at the start of the introduction that just tells the reader what the broad topic is.

 

[mrmvp]

The structure you need for the first sentence should be, for example:
Deciding between [ A ] and [ B ] can be challenging.
If you want to write such a sentence, first write that stub above, then fill in the gaps. Try to make the A and B of similar length.

For the second sentence, say, for example:
I mostly agree that public parks and other such green urban spaces are precious and should be protected.
In other words, do not complicate your sentences unnecessarily.

Also, try to give a brief sentence at the start of the introduction that just tells the reader what the broad topic is.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate you your feedback.

I did few changes

Preserving nature or place priority on business (Deciding to protect green spaces or building residential areas for new generation to expand business and enhancing economics is a critical decision). I somewhat agree with the statement. I believe Public parks are perfect place to enjoy nature and exercising, and also residential areas are essential to boost business and business entrepreneurs and investors


First sentence is about the topic

The sentences between parentheses is paraphrasing the question.

The sentence in bold is the thesis statement.

The underlined sentence is the outline in which I will write two main body paragraphs, one why public are perfect place to enjoy nature and exercising, the second body paragraph is why residential areas and business are essential in today's world.

 

[teechar]

I did made a few changes

I'm sorry, but I can't keep fixing all the new changes you make! We won't get anywhere this way. I think the best thing is for you to write the entire response and post it below.

 

[mrmvp]

Preserving nature or place priority on business (Deciding to protect green spaces or building residential areas for new generation to expand business and enhancing economics is a critical decision). I somewhat agree with the statement. I believe Public parks are perfect place to enjoy nature and exercising, and also residential areas are essential to boost business and business entrepreneurs and investors


First sentence is about the topic

The sentences between parentheses is paraphrasing the question.

The sentence in bold is the thesis statement.

The underlined sentence is the outline in which I will write two main body paragraphs, one why public are perfect place to enjoy nature and exercising, the second body paragraph is why residential areas and business are essential in today's world.

 

[teechar]

No. I mean write the entire essay, not just the introductory paragraph.

 

[mrmvp]

No. I mean write the entire essay, not just the introductory paragraph.

Thank you so much @teechar

The first sentence is a brief sentence to what I am going to write.


The sentences in bold are the thesis statement in which I lean on one side. I find it difficult to write a thesis statement about both sides.

Preserving nature or place priority on business and residential areas (Deciding to protect green spaces or building residential areas for new generation to expand business and enhance economics is a critical decision). I strongly believe boosting business by building residential areas will generate business entrepreneurs and investors.



Building residential areas for new generation will increase business entrepreneurs and investors. With the increase of the population and urban transition in seek of jobs since cities have more job opportunities than rural areas.Therefore, it is the government responsibility to allocate money for building residential areas to citizens. by doing so the government will tackle the housing crisis on one hand and put an end to greedy real estate companies that exploit people's needs on the other hand. The role of government is an inescapable in the citizens' prosperity.

The sentence in italic is to summarize the whole paragraph.




Although green spaces are essential for human beings to exercise, social interaction, and more importantly improve mental health. Permitting business entrepreneurs and investors to invest will create jobs and enhance services levels for citizens. Some of the business benefits are providing public amenities and generate employment opportunities. When businesses pay taxes, such as property tax, income tax, employment tax, the government can allocate them to repair roads, develop schools, improve public services. Lack of basic amenities and being destitute are an uphill battle for any governments.

The first sentence I talk about how benefits are green spaces.Then I switched back to support my arguments.


Thank you again.

 

[teechar]

Hi,
The points you present in your body paragraphs are not clearly expressed. They come across as vague, and that unfortunately, will not get you a high score in the exam.
Before you write an essay (including in an exam situation), you need to organize your ideas. That means you brainstorm, write down the ideas that come to mind, and decide which position to take and how to tackle the essay. Let's do that for the above task:

Public park lands should be preserved:
-
-
-
-

It is better to use such land for residential/commercial purposes:
-
-
-
-

Brainstorm, and even do some research on the internet if necessary, and fill in the above lists. Do that in point form. For now, do not worry about grammar or about writing full sentences. This is just rough work. However, please do not write vague stuff.
Post below.

 

[mrmvp]

Public park lands should be preserved:
- public parks are perfect for exercising and walking.
-they strengthen the community ties when meeting.
- public parks are appeal to all ages
- they enhanced our mental health

It is better to use such land for residential/commercial purposes:
-provide homeless citizens with suitable homes.
- tackle housing shortage
-having business and commercial will generate jobs and encourage investment
- feeling safe

Thank you for helping and guiding me @teechar on how to write an organized paragraph. I tired to make my writing clear and concise.

 

[teechar]

Note that the last two points in the second list are basically the same. So, now you have four points in the first list and three in the second. Do you still want to stick with your original stance?

 

[mrmvp]

Note that the last two points in the second list are basically the same. So, now you have four points in the first list and three in the second. Do you still want to stick with your original stance?

Thank you for your generosity. Like button is not enough to thank you.

I made a change to the last point in the second paragraph.

Yes @teechar

 

[teechar]

Yes @teechar

But do you see the problem with that? You have four points against you and three supporting you. Ideally, it should be the other way around. How do you plan to deal with that problem?

 

[mrmvp]

But do you see the problem with that? You have four points against you and three supporting you. Ideally, it should be the other way around. How do you plan to deal with that problem?

Thank you.

Both of them have four points. I made a change as I mentioned in post 14. As far as I know. Please correct me teacher if I am mistaken.

Let's say I support X over Y

In the thesis I state that X is better for this and that.

In the first paragraph, I support my my writing with examples ,arguments and evidence if needed

In the second paragraph.

Although (Y is good for this and that) I write one or two sentences against me. Then, I switch back to support X. In other words not no give all the points against me. Is this correct teacher @teechar ?

 

[teechar]

Both of them have four points. I made a change as I mentioned in post 14.

Ah, I see. You edited the post and added a new point. However, "feeling safe" is not really a benefit of using parkland for urban expansion! That point is no good.

Let's say I support X over Y

In the thesis I state that X is better for this and that.

You need to state your position clearly in the thesis.

In the first paragraph, I support my my writing with examples ,arguments and evidence if needed

In the second paragraph.

Although (Y is good for this and that) I write one or two sentences against me. Then, I switch back to support X. In other words not no give all the points against me. Is this correct teacher?

There are various ways to structure your response. It depends on the position you take.
Again, we're back to 3 points versus 4. Which position do you want to take?

 

[mrmvp]

Ah, I see. You edited the post and added a new point. However, "feeling safe" is not really a benefit of using parkland for urban expansion! That point is no good.

You need to state your position clearly in the thesis.

feeling safe is under the second paragraph
(residential areas) having home means a secure place for the family. It is mentioned in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

That is right. I struggle in writing thesis statement between taking position and writing between balanced paragraphs one paragraph of X and the other Y

There are various ways to structure your response. It depends on the position you take.
Again, we're back to 3 points versus 4. Which position do you want to take?

Will you please guide me on how to write taking one position and how to write a balanced thesis statement i.e for both X and Y?

Thank you for taking your time, my teach @teechar

 

[teechar]

feeling safe is under the second paragraph
(residential areas) having home means a secure place for the family. It is mentioned in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

But that has absolutely nothing to do with the use of city parkland!

That is right. I struggle in writing thesis statement between taking position and writing between balanced paragraphs one paragraph of X and the other Y

Not all essay questions ask you to write a balanced response. It's only when the questions says something like "discuss both sides" that you have to do that. For the essay question above, you are asked "to what extent do you agree", which means you need to agree, disagree, or partially agree.

Will you please guide me on how to write taking one position

OK, so the whole idea of brainstorming is that you write down your ideas and see which side has more points. It makes sense to agree with that side, simply because you can write more arguments (and give examples) supporting it.

and how to write a balanced thesis statement i.e for both X and Y?

See my comment above on that.
So now, which position do you want to take?

 

[tedmc]

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this?

I think the question asks you to make a stand on the statement that public parks are better used for other purposes. It is like a debate where you argue for or against a topic, not both.