[Essay] ielts writing

[ielts 9]

Hello every one
This is my first participation. I liked how you help each other and I would like to thank every one on this forum.

I'm preparing for my ielts exam and I want someone to give me a feedback on my writing also to score me.


You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the
following topic.
Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer
nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the
responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their
citizens themselves?
You should write at least 250 words.
Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples
and with relevant evidence.

Many people believe that supporting poor with the accommodation and food they need is the responsibility of the government. While others believe that it’s a shared responsibility between the wealthy nation and the government.
I believe that the best way for country development is human synergy. Thus, the responsibility of supporting poor nations should be shared between us and the government for many reasons.
First of all, As a Moslem it’s an obligation to take a specific amount of your wealth annually and spend them on poor people. Secondly, if the process of supporting poor nations is assigned to just the government, the country will suffer from economic inequality. There will be an expanding gap between rich and poor people. For instance, the process of supporting poor nations in India is lied on the government and there is a huge gap between rich and poor. On the other hand, there is no gap between the poor and rich on the Arab Gulf countries because the wealthy nations are required by their religion to support the poor. Other example is the Us and UK, there is a gap between the rich and the poor nations but this gap is slight and this due to the taxes that is taken by the government from the wealths and the organizations’ to support the country as well the poor nations. Last but not least, a study shows that economic inequality is one of the main factors for suicide.
In conclusion, from all of the mentioned reasons I believe that the process of supporting poor nations should be shared between every rich citizen in the country and the government.

Thank you

 

[piyal]

First of all, you need to refrain yourself from using the same word time and again (gap,support... ), use synonyms.

Start your writing with a broad sense, which relates to your topic. Your second paragraph is out of place. I am also a Muslim and you mentioned what is our religious obligation in your writing. its great but you might be negatively marked for irrelevant writing, cause they didnt asked about religious obligation, they asked about rich countries obligation to the poorer one. There are grammatical mistakes too, but I am also terrible in grammar, so I hope someone else in the forum will help you in that department. Overall I think you are close to 5.5/6.0.

 

[ielts 9]

Thank you very much Piyal for your feedback.

 

[Tarheel]

Hello everyone!
This is my first participation. I like how you help each other and I would like to thank everyone on this forum.

I'm preparing for my ielts exam and I want someone to give me a feedback on my writing also to score me.


You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no special knowledge of the
following topic.
Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth with poorer
nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the
responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their
citizens themselves?
You should use at least 250 words.
Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples
and with relevant evidence.